Night at a Lubab Wedding: Guest Post by Avi

GUEST POST by Avi

[Note: This was submitted a couple of weeks ago and has been edited by me. - LNM]

Last Thursday night we had two weddings in Crown Heights. (Actually one of them we crashed because my daughter was there with her husband). The first wedding was at 770, naturally.

At the meal, which was across from 770, I sat next to some Lubies. I didn’t take their name or give them my name (but it was emblazoned on my kippah in English and in Hebrew). Being my natural big-mouth self I didn't try very hard to hide the fact that I am an atheist. I was sitting among three Lubies. When these three Lubies understood I don't believe in God they mumbled back to me:

"What do you mean that you don’t believe in God? Every Jew, every Jew must believe in HaShem!"

"I don’t. What should I do about it?"

"Read the 'Tanya' and other books on Chasidus. That will do it. There you will see the truth."

"Why must I as a Jew believe in God if my mind tells me otherwise?"

"The 'Yetzer Horah' (evil inclination) is trying to trick you. He's telling you not to believe what your mind really tells you. Your mind is misleading you."

"But, my mind was given to me by HaShem. Why would He give me a mind that would mislead me? That would be defeating his purpose."

In the end their answer was just learn Tanya, and make sure to put on Tefillin, and daven, and that I would see it will come back to me, and I will become frum again. But of course in the end they really had nothing to say. Not a word of proof to me on how the Yetzer Horah is misleading me, or that my mind is in any way misleading me, or anything to that effect. I wanted them to prove something to me. But of course they could only mumble, "read the Tanya and other books on Chasidus and you will find the correct path."

"Don’t you want to have Jewish Grandchildren?" they asked.

"I already have Jewish grandchildren, my kids all married Jewish."

"What must your kids think of you? Don’t you want their respect?"

"My kids love me and respect me for who I am, and they don’t know what I think." And that ended the discussion.

I guess the choson and kallah (groom and bride) really didn’t like each other that much. They were both lifted up on tables and they were throwing things at each other across the mechitza (partition). Ouch! If one of those hits you on the head it could hurt.

Then we went to visit my daughter and her husband at the other wedding. There my wife was talking to my daughter. My son-in-law was talking to his friends. And I was happily left alone to watch the women dance. I really wanted very much to walk over to a chasidish lady who was wearing stockings with seams. She was quite attractive. I just wanted to ask her if she ever feels like breaking away from the mold by wearing seamless stockings. My daughter said that she would probably slap me. So, instead I spent the rest of the evening standing around, getting slightly inebriated, watching the women dance and letting my imagination go with them.

Avi

My Farewell to You: Guest Post by Avi

[Today we have Avi's fourth and final post in his series. (Click to read Post 1, Post 2, and Post 3). It has been great to host Avi this week. I hope you all have enjoyed this experiment as much as I have. - LubabNoMore]

Well, I guess it's time to finish off. It has been a pleasure being a guest speaker on Lubab's blog. I will leave you with some final thoughts.

Do what makes you happy. My wife likes going to shul on Shabbos, so she does that. I stay at home and read. I walk over to shul after the davening. I stay for the kiddush, and talk to my neighbors who all know what gives, but don’t care.

I have four children who are married (happily, I hope) and successful in their professions. One of them is a scientist doing genetic research like The Candy Man. Some are more frum, some are less frum. But they are all frum to some degree. I can only hope that by the time their children are ready to get married Judaism will have moved to the middle-of-the-road. I hope no one will say "But look who their grandfather was!" as I have sometimes heard said about other people.

I am glad that all my grandchildren are Jewish. I believe very strongly in the Jewish People. Personally, I am very proud to be a Jew. We Jews add a great deal to humanity and civilization. The world would be at a great loss if not for the Jewish people. I am not talking about frum Jewish people, I am talking about any Jewish people who are not ashamed to be Jewish. Einstein never hid his Judaism and even had some sort of belief in a God.

My rebbeim in yeshiva always told me that the first question they ask you in heaven (what a ridiculous concept) is "Did you have a set time for learning?" If there is a God, I suspect that the first question he will ask me is “Avi, what do you think of the beautiful world that I created for you to enjoy?” I better have a good answer to that, because if I don’t, and there is a hell, that's where he is going to hurl me. If God went to the trouble of creating this beautiful world then I imagine he would want you to be happy on it.

The best advice I can give to you is live, love, get along with people, and follow your heart. That means that if you want to be frum, and that makes you happy, do it. Since many of you know who I am, I have included a picture of myself below. If anybody wants to talk to me, you can email me at: zerabbi@aol.com

Be happy, and make other people happy. God bless you all, or whatever powers there may be.

Avi

(right-to-left) Me, my wife, and my daughter. My son-in-law, and my three sons are camera shy. - Avi

Why I stay with Avi: Guest Post by Avi's Wife, Shelly

[Part three of Avi's four guest posts. (Read Post 1, and Post 2 if you haven't already). Today, Avi's wife Shelly gives her take on how a skeptic and a believer can make it work. We are getting pretty meta with the guest blogging but it's interesting stuff so we will forge ahead. Also, see below for my post on tonight's total lunar eclipse. - LubabNoMore]

Everything you do, or say, or write should be said as if it's being recorded forever. Every word you say, and every gesture you make. When you live with another person that individual looks to you for validation. Hurting that person's feelings, or disrespecting that person becomes an action that you may regret at some future time. Especially, if you view it at a later time when you are more mature. Perhaps, the words mitzvah (commandment) and aveira (sin) are wrong for this crowd but, moral imperatives behoove us to tread carefully in our daily interactions.

A spouse is the person that most of us spend a great deal of time with. Therefore, since it's a mitzvah to speak respectfully to everyone, we can apply that mitzvah to one's spouse. We can extrapolate that yelling or hurting a spouse's feelings is an aveira. So, I don't yell ever. We always speak respectfully to each other.

You know I am Avi's wife and you may be wondering "Doesn't she musar (lecture) him? Or, at least yell at him when he eats pork?" Well, he does not eat treif (non-kosher), and isn't mechalel Shabbos, or Yom Tov (at least not that I have ever seen). He makes brochos (blessings) periodically (when he wants to). He is a kind man who gives charity, and he has a sensitive disposition. He is smart, funny, and cute. (Girls, he's mine). I cannot control another's thoughts. I can discuss, and direct, and I do. Sometimes he listens, and sometimes not. But, we have a life together. I believe that he is my bashert. We will be together always.

Shelly

[Tomorrow, Avi wraps things up with a post and a picture. - LNM]

My Marriage: Guest Post by Avi

[This is the second of four guest posts from Avi. If you haven't already, read the first of the series: "My Story: Guest Post by Avi" Enjoy! - LubabNoMore]

My wife and I have a very loving and tender relationship. However, we are two completely different people. My "aishes chayil" (woman of valor), as I very often describe her, is traditionally Orthodox. She comes from a Modern Orthodox family that has leaned so far to the right that they are practically falling over. (The same goes for my relatives).

You may wonder how an atheist and a religious person can live together (and happily at that)! Being married for thirty-nine years doesn't hurt. We have a history together as well as memories.

We live a completely normal and modern lifestyle. We have two televisions, cable TV, and three computers. Motzei Shabbos (Saturday night) we usually go to the mall and take in a movie. When my wife finds it necessary to shake hands with men at a business meeting she does so with no qualms. Talk about living in two different worlds.

Anyway, as I mentioned yesterday, God never told me to do anything. Whatever I was told was said by other men who were supposedly smarter then I was. Perhaps my wife is the smart one. Her philosophy is "This is what I was taught, this is what I do." Although she is a very educated woman, and lives in the modern world, she has an almost childlike innocence, and trust in HaShem (God). As you well know, we are in a recession. When I mentioned to her that my income was seriously down she said “maybe if you went to shul on Yom Kippur and davened (prayed) it would improve.”

At some point my wife must have realized that I was not frum anymore. I stopped going to shul, and she started going every Shabbos. I did not put on tefillin, and stopped washing my hands for bread unless we had company, or were guests at someone’s house for lunch. It's quite easy to practice Judaism without believing. You just go through the motions.

I never do anything to be mechalel Shabbos (violate the Sabbath) that she can see. She stopped looking at the thermostat on Shabbos because she saw that the numbers were changing (she certainly did not touch it). She started talking to me. “Was everything OK?” “What was I thinking about?” I admitted to her what my feelings were. At first, there were some hurt feelings. I told her that just because two people are married does not mean that they both have to think alike. I guess that after awhile she accepted the fact that I was not the person she married, or the person that she thought that I was. Much to her credit our life together did not suffer in any way. My wife really is an amazing person, and much smarter than I am. We talked, and talked, and as long as she was sure that I still loved her, and sure that I would not attempt to bring any drastic changes into our life, she was OK with it.

At home certain things are expected of me. They are terms I can well live with. I must make Kiddush (blessing over wine) on Friday night, and at Shabbos lunch, and of course I also make havdalah. I always wear a kippah (that's no problem), and of course I can't be mechalel Shabbos. Again, terms that I can well live with. She still would like me to put on tefillin, even periodically. I told her that that was a possibility. Put ‘em on, make the brocho (blessing), maybe say Shema, and take them off.

We respect each other greatly and never cross certain boundaries. I never make fun of my wife. (I used to until she hit me over the head with a frying pan). I say "If this makes you happy, that's fine with me."

Sometimes on Sunday we go into Brooklyn to visit relatives. When we are ready to leave the house, coat on, keys in hand, she reminds herself that she did not yet daven mincha (afternoon prayers) and if she waits it may be too late to pray later. So, here I am, ready to go, and she starts davening. It can be annoying after awhile. But, in respect for her belief, I wait patiently without saying anything.

Many of the people that I have met who live in the frum world meld in with whatever the wife wants to do. Some men go to shul with their wives and just hang around. Others sit in the shul and daydream. You can make me go but you can’t make me daven. Some men go to a different shul from the one their wives go to. Me? I don’t go at all except for the kiddush (social get-together following services).

My wife davens twice a day. She also says tehillim (psalms) for many sick people, as well as for me. Whether I should see reality as she believes it is not the important thing. She feels good saying it. The words to her are like poetry, or maybe a love song to a great God who she believes very strongly in.

Tomorrow my wife will write a brief post so that you can get some insight into her point of view.

My Story: Guest Post by Avi

[For the next few days I will be hosting a series of guest posts by commenter Avi. I find Avi's story interesting, and in many ways familiar. I may not see eye-to-eye with him on every issue but I am happy to give him a forum to tell his piece. Finally, please note, I've edited Avi's text and take responsibility in advance if I've misrepresented Avi's position or story. - LubabNoMore]

I am Avi. Some of you probably know me. I am at best an agnostic, and at worst an atheist. It depends on the day and the week. However, I was not always an atheist.

My story is simple. I was raised as an Orthodox Jew. For many years I practiced Orthodox Judaism but, always with a doubt in back of my mind. Growing up as a kid I did the typical things that guys do. I skipped putting on tefillin at times. I didn’t have any feelings of guilt about it. (Goodness knows that Jewish kids have enough guilt trips laid upon them by their Jewish mothers). I went to an Orthodox Yeshiva through high school, and for a smidgen of Bais Medrish. I got smicha. (Though how, I will never know). But, even way back then I felt the stirrings of disbelief. My Rav gave up on me. He said "Just keep on learning and you will come to understand it." I did “keep on learning” and grew to understand that I really did not believe any of it.

I think I may have never really believed any of it. As a young man in yeshiva I already started having my doubts. There were just too many things that my eyes and mind could not believe. For example, there were all the stories in the Torah that were never explained to my satisfaction. Rashi made even less sense.

I remember many years ago in Yeshiva Torah Vadaas there was an old Rabbi who would stand in the hallway and hand us paper towels when we washed for lunch. I still remember his words "Whatever you do in life, whether you become a doctor, or a lawyer, or an engineer, learning Torah will make you more successful." I didn't believe it then and I believe it less now.

I returned to religion when my parents passed away. I felt an obligation to say kaddish for them. (I now understand it was more for me than for them). Despite my disbelief I said kaddish faithfully. I also tried to daven with some semblance of kavanah (intent). I was going to shul periodically even before they passed away. For the requisite eleven months I said kaddish. After I finished I kept going to shul for awhile longer, but then it all fell apart. My mind could not accept the idea of a creator who was watching everything I did and was going to reward me in heaven (a Christian concept) for my good deeds and punish me for my bad deeds. Especially without a book of rules telling me what I was expected to do. The Torah talks about all kinds of weird things but it makes us guess at (or wait for a Rabbi to explain) what it is we are supposed to do. Nowhere does it say that davening is to be done three times a day. Yet we spend hours a day doing this practice that is nowhere required.

I must add that partially, my faith dissolved because I am a scientist at heart. I like to look at everything through the prism of evidence. If I see no evidence of something I find it difficult to accept. I am a voracious reader and can watch the science shows for hours. After awhile I believed in science and the amazing things scientists have discovered. What have the Talmudists discovered? They've discovered more chumras (stringencies) for the slow witted, and the firm believers, who were never allowed to think for themselves.

The computer generation opened wide my eyes and mind. I read the blogs by XGH and Ben Avuyah. Many of the things that they said made a lot of sense to me. I already had some friends who were skeptics. They pointed out other people who were also skeptical of Judaism. I think skeptical thought is what the people in Lakewood and Williamsburg are more afraid of then anything else. They say that the internet is assur (forbidden) in order to keep kids away from pornography. But, I suspect it's to keep them away from anyone who can think independently of what the Rabbis permit them to think.

Most people in my shul know what I think. To tell the truth, I don't think anyone cares what you believe as long as you don't do something blatantly heretical. Two years ago I was having a discussion with the Rabbi during the Yom Kippur break. I admitted to him that I did not believe in Torah min HaShomayim (Torah from heaven). He didn't say anything. I figured he must think the worst of me. Nonetheless, before Neilah (the final Yom Kippur service) he asked me to open the aron kodesh (holy ark). This is an honor that most men vie for. This honor is supposedly a segulah (action that brings good luck) for parnossah (livelihood). It didn't work.

Usually, I find that the women are the frum ones and the men not. My wife sees G-d in everything that happens. I see Him nowhere. Tomorrow, I will write about how my wife and I make our relationship work.