My Marriage: Guest Post by Avi

[This is the second of four guest posts from Avi. If you haven't already, read the first of the series: "My Story: Guest Post by Avi" Enjoy! - LubabNoMore]

My wife and I have a very loving and tender relationship. However, we are two completely different people. My "aishes chayil" (woman of valor), as I very often describe her, is traditionally Orthodox. She comes from a Modern Orthodox family that has leaned so far to the right that they are practically falling over. (The same goes for my relatives).

You may wonder how an atheist and a religious person can live together (and happily at that)! Being married for thirty-nine years doesn't hurt. We have a history together as well as memories.

We live a completely normal and modern lifestyle. We have two televisions, cable TV, and three computers. Motzei Shabbos (Saturday night) we usually go to the mall and take in a movie. When my wife finds it necessary to shake hands with men at a business meeting she does so with no qualms. Talk about living in two different worlds.

Anyway, as I mentioned yesterday, God never told me to do anything. Whatever I was told was said by other men who were supposedly smarter then I was. Perhaps my wife is the smart one. Her philosophy is "This is what I was taught, this is what I do." Although she is a very educated woman, and lives in the modern world, she has an almost childlike innocence, and trust in HaShem (God). As you well know, we are in a recession. When I mentioned to her that my income was seriously down she said “maybe if you went to shul on Yom Kippur and davened (prayed) it would improve.”

At some point my wife must have realized that I was not frum anymore. I stopped going to shul, and she started going every Shabbos. I did not put on tefillin, and stopped washing my hands for bread unless we had company, or were guests at someone’s house for lunch. It's quite easy to practice Judaism without believing. You just go through the motions.

I never do anything to be mechalel Shabbos (violate the Sabbath) that she can see. She stopped looking at the thermostat on Shabbos because she saw that the numbers were changing (she certainly did not touch it). She started talking to me. “Was everything OK?” “What was I thinking about?” I admitted to her what my feelings were. At first, there were some hurt feelings. I told her that just because two people are married does not mean that they both have to think alike. I guess that after awhile she accepted the fact that I was not the person she married, or the person that she thought that I was. Much to her credit our life together did not suffer in any way. My wife really is an amazing person, and much smarter than I am. We talked, and talked, and as long as she was sure that I still loved her, and sure that I would not attempt to bring any drastic changes into our life, she was OK with it.

At home certain things are expected of me. They are terms I can well live with. I must make Kiddush (blessing over wine) on Friday night, and at Shabbos lunch, and of course I also make havdalah. I always wear a kippah (that's no problem), and of course I can't be mechalel Shabbos. Again, terms that I can well live with. She still would like me to put on tefillin, even periodically. I told her that that was a possibility. Put ‘em on, make the brocho (blessing), maybe say Shema, and take them off.

We respect each other greatly and never cross certain boundaries. I never make fun of my wife. (I used to until she hit me over the head with a frying pan). I say "If this makes you happy, that's fine with me."

Sometimes on Sunday we go into Brooklyn to visit relatives. When we are ready to leave the house, coat on, keys in hand, she reminds herself that she did not yet daven mincha (afternoon prayers) and if she waits it may be too late to pray later. So, here I am, ready to go, and she starts davening. It can be annoying after awhile. But, in respect for her belief, I wait patiently without saying anything.

Many of the people that I have met who live in the frum world meld in with whatever the wife wants to do. Some men go to shul with their wives and just hang around. Others sit in the shul and daydream. You can make me go but you can’t make me daven. Some men go to a different shul from the one their wives go to. Me? I don’t go at all except for the kiddush (social get-together following services).

My wife davens twice a day. She also says tehillim (psalms) for many sick people, as well as for me. Whether I should see reality as she believes it is not the important thing. She feels good saying it. The words to her are like poetry, or maybe a love song to a great God who she believes very strongly in.

Tomorrow my wife will write a brief post so that you can get some insight into her point of view.