My Story: Guest Post by Avi

[For the next few days I will be hosting a series of guest posts by commenter Avi. I find Avi's story interesting, and in many ways familiar. I may not see eye-to-eye with him on every issue but I am happy to give him a forum to tell his piece. Finally, please note, I've edited Avi's text and take responsibility in advance if I've misrepresented Avi's position or story. - LubabNoMore]

I am Avi. Some of you probably know me. I am at best an agnostic, and at worst an atheist. It depends on the day and the week. However, I was not always an atheist.

My story is simple. I was raised as an Orthodox Jew. For many years I practiced Orthodox Judaism but, always with a doubt in back of my mind. Growing up as a kid I did the typical things that guys do. I skipped putting on tefillin at times. I didn’t have any feelings of guilt about it. (Goodness knows that Jewish kids have enough guilt trips laid upon them by their Jewish mothers). I went to an Orthodox Yeshiva through high school, and for a smidgen of Bais Medrish. I got smicha. (Though how, I will never know). But, even way back then I felt the stirrings of disbelief. My Rav gave up on me. He said "Just keep on learning and you will come to understand it." I did “keep on learning” and grew to understand that I really did not believe any of it.

I think I may have never really believed any of it. As a young man in yeshiva I already started having my doubts. There were just too many things that my eyes and mind could not believe. For example, there were all the stories in the Torah that were never explained to my satisfaction. Rashi made even less sense.

I remember many years ago in Yeshiva Torah Vadaas there was an old Rabbi who would stand in the hallway and hand us paper towels when we washed for lunch. I still remember his words "Whatever you do in life, whether you become a doctor, or a lawyer, or an engineer, learning Torah will make you more successful." I didn't believe it then and I believe it less now.

I returned to religion when my parents passed away. I felt an obligation to say kaddish for them. (I now understand it was more for me than for them). Despite my disbelief I said kaddish faithfully. I also tried to daven with some semblance of kavanah (intent). I was going to shul periodically even before they passed away. For the requisite eleven months I said kaddish. After I finished I kept going to shul for awhile longer, but then it all fell apart. My mind could not accept the idea of a creator who was watching everything I did and was going to reward me in heaven (a Christian concept) for my good deeds and punish me for my bad deeds. Especially without a book of rules telling me what I was expected to do. The Torah talks about all kinds of weird things but it makes us guess at (or wait for a Rabbi to explain) what it is we are supposed to do. Nowhere does it say that davening is to be done three times a day. Yet we spend hours a day doing this practice that is nowhere required.

I must add that partially, my faith dissolved because I am a scientist at heart. I like to look at everything through the prism of evidence. If I see no evidence of something I find it difficult to accept. I am a voracious reader and can watch the science shows for hours. After awhile I believed in science and the amazing things scientists have discovered. What have the Talmudists discovered? They've discovered more chumras (stringencies) for the slow witted, and the firm believers, who were never allowed to think for themselves.

The computer generation opened wide my eyes and mind. I read the blogs by XGH and Ben Avuyah. Many of the things that they said made a lot of sense to me. I already had some friends who were skeptics. They pointed out other people who were also skeptical of Judaism. I think skeptical thought is what the people in Lakewood and Williamsburg are more afraid of then anything else. They say that the internet is assur (forbidden) in order to keep kids away from pornography. But, I suspect it's to keep them away from anyone who can think independently of what the Rabbis permit them to think.

Most people in my shul know what I think. To tell the truth, I don't think anyone cares what you believe as long as you don't do something blatantly heretical. Two years ago I was having a discussion with the Rabbi during the Yom Kippur break. I admitted to him that I did not believe in Torah min HaShomayim (Torah from heaven). He didn't say anything. I figured he must think the worst of me. Nonetheless, before Neilah (the final Yom Kippur service) he asked me to open the aron kodesh (holy ark). This is an honor that most men vie for. This honor is supposedly a segulah (action that brings good luck) for parnossah (livelihood). It didn't work.

Usually, I find that the women are the frum ones and the men not. My wife sees G-d in everything that happens. I see Him nowhere. Tomorrow, I will write about how my wife and I make our relationship work.