Today my wife was still pretty upset about my revelation. She still thinks there is hope. I haven't felt the need to tell her that there is probably isn't.
We talked again today and covered a lot of ground. She made it clear she is not OK with "being married to someone who isn't frum." That really bothers me. I told her I thought our relationship and everything we've built together should be more important than the fact we don't believe the same thing. She feels not believing the basics of Judaism was too big a hurdle to jump. I'm not going to push this issue for a while. Maybe she'll get used to the idea.
One of the issues I brought up was the fact that I haven't found any reason to believe in God or Torah from Sinai. She told me that if I want proof I'm not going to find any. I think she's right. I told her that it's important to me that the religion (God and all of it) make logical sense. She said that you can't think about it logically. She explained that she starts with her positive feelings about Judaism and then uses religious inspiration to bolster her feelings. She said she has to believe in something, and to think that everything is random would seem meaningless to her. I hear her even if I disagree. I get that it works for her, but it just doesn't work for me. Or it hasn't worked for me I should say. I promised her that I am not at the end of my search, which is true since I'm always open to new evidence/information. I want our relationship to work. If I have to give religion another try then that's what I'll do. I'm committed to logic, and I don't see how I could be persuaded that God exists, or that the Torah was written by God (if he exists), but I'm going to keep an open mind. Our relationship is too important for me not to. All you frummies out there should take this as an invitation to email me. :) (lubabnomore@gmail.com) Thanks to those of you who already have. I'm not willing to compromise on what I believe (logic, reason) but perhaps there is an approach I have not yet heard. Please, LMK.
10 comments:
From experience here is how things can work out, while each of you hold onto your beliefs:
1. You agree to observe a negotiated level of practice, in your home or in the community.
2. You agree to respect her beliefs and practices and not ridicule them
3. Allow children, if you have them, to go to a "modern" religious school where they will stay open minded and be critical thinkers.
4. Your wife will have to accept your beliefs (or lack therof) and value your compromise in keeping a religious home. She has to respect your intellectual honesty and that your are not willing to be a hypocrite.
5. You can come up with creative halachic/technological solutions for Shabbat so that she can maintain Shabbat in the house and that you maintain your honor and not be inconvenienced to much. (think of how a guest would behave, respecting the household lifestyle)
Obviously, this can only work if you and she are willing to compromise.
This is a very sad posting and I hope that you and your wife are able to overcome this. I don't think that anybody will be able to provide you with "killer" evidence for Judaism (there isn't any) and you can't "will" yourself to beleive in anything.
I am one step behind you. My wife confronted me a couple of weeks ago but I wasn't ready to talk about it. all she could get out of me was an admission that I am not 'chariedi' or 'yeshivish' anymore and more like'MO' (I said that I don't like labels, but she persisted.) That was enough to make her very very sad. Wait till she finds out that I don't believe anymore! I'll post more on this on my blog.
There are lots of married people with various levels of observance. Question is what is your relationship worth to her aside from the religious part. Can she still respect and love you as you do her? I hope (pray? :) that the answer is "Yes." (for both of us.)
I am in a tough boat because my religious committment was one of the main ingredients of her attraction to me. With that gone, is there enough left for her? Stay tuned...
Isn't the point of science to find a cause? It's easy to say everything is random. That doesn't require research. That's giving up in favor of a society that wants some freedom, scientists who don't want a G-d and find the unknown frightening etc. Trust me there's more to know. Read websites from all sides. Avoid articles by ignorant haters though as that will just be nonsense anyhow. I'm sure you can tell the difference. Type in devil's advocate search words eg. blank is true, blank is false. It's good ultimately that you told your wife the truth. Now see if you can't have at least some common ground. Good luck.
Lubab,
I can only imagine what you are going through, but I would have to agree with everyone. If your relationship is important to you, than you need to fight for it and compromise A LOT.
Best of luck.
You can make it work. I have been doing it for many years now. My is is super frum. At home I observe shabbat and Yom Tov ( that is in her view ) If I adjust the heating or air conditioning she doesent have to know. Kashrus is no problem as my wife does all the shopping. So I eat something milchig without waiting the full 6 hours, she doesnt have to see that. Davening or the lack of it, my wife has grown used to it by now. She still requests that I put on the little leather straps and I do so very infrequently just to please her. We do discuss religion very often but there are boundaries that we never cross. Whatever is really in my mind ( very little ) stays there. I tell her that I believe in God ( that makes her happy ) but not really in Judaism. It can work, you can make it work.
I can't believe I found this blog as I am going thru something similar.
I haven't told my wife anything yet but she is beginning to suspect.
She's observed I'm not keeping rabbinic commandments.
And that's most of what we do...
Sigh...
Do Over,
"religious committment was one of the main ingredients of her attraction to me".
Good luck. If being MO makes her sad then you two may really be on very different pages.
Rabban Gamliel,
Thanks for the tip. I think you're correct.
Beehive,
Thanks for your kind words.
All the Anonymous,
Thanks for the support and ideas. I've gotten quite a number of posts by "Anonymous" in the past few days.
LNM, just read my blog and you will return to Torah.
"Rabban Gamliel,
Thanks for the tip. I think you're correct."
Thanks Lubab No More. I really wish you all the best.
Post a Comment