Over Shabbos I told my wife that I don't believe in Judaism
Shabbos morning my wife mentioned that I don't seem to care about davening. Since she brought it up I answered semi-honestly ("I don't get anything out of it and I don't think it works".) That little discussion grew as we got into Shabbos lunch. As we were talking she said something that made it clear she was under the impression I "just don't care" about being Jewish and that she thinks I need to get "inspired". I told her its not a matter of not caring, I don't believe. I left it at that and didn't get into specifics. She understood what I was saying and then things got quiet for a while. Lots of tears (hers) and many hours later when we were talking about it again she said "this isn't going to work if you're not frum". Even later she said that she isn't ready to talk about this seriously right now. I said we'll regroup in a few weeks. Her comment that "this isn't going to work if you're not frum" worries me, alot.
I feel kinda like crap. This ain't the fun and games it is on the blogs.
13 comments:
You have to face the reality that she may be right: it may not be a viable marriage if you're not frum. If that's true then if you want the marriage you have to remain frum, belief or no. At the very least you'd have to maintain a level of observance that is ok with your wife.
Such is life.
wow.
some things to think about and discuss with your wife when the time comes:
1. is she upset because you don't believe or is she upset becuase of the potential consequences it will have on your family? what exactly does she mean by that "this won't work" thing? What exactly is she afriad of?
2. now that you have acknowledged a difference in belief systems, what will she need for your marriage to continue to work? Will she need you to go through the motions of belief and never talk about it again? Will she need you to not talk about your beliefs with your children until they are adults?
3. how comfertable will you be with doing those things despite your lack of belief?
good luck
I am personally acquainted with 3 very married couples with vast religious differences. They are all very happily married and have wonderful children. All 3 of the women wear wigs and the men are not observant. One couple is married for 38 years with grandchildren. They are stil crazy for each other. If it won't work, it won't for other reasons: not religious
My husband is an atheist and I have to admit it has bothered me over the years especially in regards to our kids. We belong to an Orthodox shul, keep kosher , send our kids to a MO school ect... He keeps his views to himself most of the time, but the kids know that dad is a skeptic.
One of our conflicts has been with shul. My husband hates going to shul and does only when he feels he must. Over the past few months , we've been a lot - chaggim for sure but before that we had a bunch of bar mitvahs in a row. Now that the chaggim are over, he probably won't go for a few months.
It is easier for us to live this kind of life b/c we are considered only marginally Orthodox ( if that). I can see how much more difficult the balance would be if we were truly considered Orthodox by the community.
The reality is that I've been beginning to think my husband is right but I feel I've invested so much into the Jewish community and building a Jewish family that I've kept my feelings to myself.
Good luck and thanks for blogging.
Wow, that does sound like a very difficult situation - and it sounds like you are going to have a lot to go through ahead of you. I don't have any advice, being in quite a different situation, but I do wish you the best of luck managing to navigate it.
I'm in the same boat, except I'm the wife. We've been hanging on for quite a few years now. The things that help are: anticipating stressful times and lowering your expectations of the other person. Eh.. sounds kind of bad, doesn't it? Not so bad really. I sort of try to see the religion thing as a very important hobby of my husband's that I respect but don't agree with. Like if he were to go vegan on me or something like that. I would respect it and buy the food he wanted and try to impart to the kids why he thinks it's important and I would probably end up eating less meat myself even though I disagree with the philosophy. So too here. I really dislike many aspects of frumkeit and chabad life, but just go along with some things for shalom bayis. It is getting way more difficult because we have to make serious decisions about schools and we really disagree about the value of secular education.
Oh yeah and the comment about how it is not going to work... we have had many, many discussions about divorce. You just gotta put that on the table and diffuse it.
The way I figured it, even after the divorce, both people spend a lot of time arguing about the same things they did before hand. Money/child support, education/schools, division of responsibility/ custody arrangements. For us, so far, staying married and making compromises seems less stressful than a divorce would.
But there are many difficulties ahead. If you do things for her, she will be annoyed and want you to be someone who does them for Hashem. It will not be easy, but I don't think most relationships are.
Wow; I'm sorry it turned out that way. It sounds like you've got some serious decision making ahead of you. Good luck.
It can be worked out. My wife is super frum, davens every day twice. Believes every word in the torah is God given and the rabbis are always right. My wife goes to shul every shabbat without fail. I never go ( except to pick her up after the davening and have kiddush) It can be worked out. Just make sure that your wife understands that second marriages are almost never as good as the first. I hope that it doesnt get that far. It can be worked out. Just takes a little patience.
That sucks. I'm awful at relationship advice so I won't even try. Personally I had two separate girlfriends break up with me because of my skepticism so now I'm looking for more open-minded women. But it's hard, I really find the tznius look attractive.
Good luck man.
This is very sad, and I can relate to it as I gradually adopted skepticism over a period of 15 years. Yet, I'm still happily married to a religious (albeit unconventional) women for almost 26 years!
My wife related to me the loneliness of not having me share her level of faith, as a full partner. Yet we managed to come to accomodation in the household behavior, and I have substituted regular shul going with other social/spiritual activities that she respects (such as learning Rambam with another secular guy Shabbat morning). I guess we had enough of a basis of commitment and values to survive the "break".
I hope that this works for you, too.
Thanks to everyone who posted a comment. I really appreciate it. My wife and I will figure this out, one way or another.
One more point - you might need to compromise on those things that you enjoyed this Yom Tov (two posts ago) - going on the internet, etc.
For it to work you will need to be an "OrthoPrax" which means still acting 'frum'.That means no chilul shabbos or Yom Tov - at least at home and/or with your family.
I am a BIG sports fan, but I am so used to not finding out the scores that I don't miss it that much.
I still enjoy Shabbos and yom tov as it is time to eat, drink, spend time with the kids, and read, read, read. Who needs the internet?
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