It's no secret I hate davening.
For months now I have been going to shul (on Shabbos only) and actively NOT davening. I walk in, grab a siddur, open to the right place, and then I've proceeded to NOT pray. Often I'll grab a couple devar Torah sheets and read them instead. At least when I read them I feel like I'm engaging my brain in an intellectual activity. In general I've been trying to be consistent about not lavishing praise on an imaginary being. Obviously, I'm lying externally. (I'm in a shul, dressed like I'm going to a black-tie toga party). I'm just trying to be consistent internally.
That is until this past Shabbos.
I don't know why but for whatever reason I actually davened. Now before you get all excited lem'me explain. I said I davened, I didn't say I prayed. Specifically what I did was crack open a siddur, scanned the words on the page with my eyes, while at the same time my lips formed the shapes that they would make if they were reading the words, all while making the sound an idling motorboat makes. [hemmenuh, hemmenuh, hemmenuh, hemmenuh...]
To be perfectly honest, not davening in a room full of people who are daveing is harder than it seems. At least it's hard if you are trying to appear to be doing the same thing as everyone else. So, this past Shabbos I just flicked on auto-pilot and let it roll.
Davening was a strange experience. The familiar routine was comforting in its own way. I wasn't paying attention to what I was saying so the god ass-kissing didn't bother me. In my mind the most noticeable difference was that I wasn't thinking about what I was doing. I just went with it. It was like riding an inner tube in the lazy river at a water park. Just floating along, without a care in the world, going wherever the current would take me. Come to think of it, it was kind of like watching TV.
I don't know if I will keep this up but for now vegging-out doesn't totally suck.
31 comments:
Then why do you bother to even go to shul, if you don't daven? Do you go for the kiddish? Some peace and quiet from the family?
JM,
I mainly go to be social and see my friends. Kiddish is great fun. My wife and baby usually come too.
So people didn't notice you're not davening? It sounds like you were telling people anyhow without saying.
this post really spoke to me since I go to shul strictly for social reasons. I like to see my friends, catch up with everyone, stay for kiddush etc.
i usually come late and shmooze or read some parsha stuff. when i do actually get to davening some real words from the siddur, i just end up thinking to myself why the hell am i saying all of these things that i don't believe at all.
i think part of it for me is that it is still just part of the routine of living an outwardly orthodox life. since i am not doing stuff against shabbat around others, i may as well go to shul and see my friends to kill part of the day.
Don't daven. The offering of a wicked person is an abomination. Proverbs 21:27
Don't daven. The offering of a wicked person is an abomination. Proverbs 21:27***********************************
Oh come now Jewish non philosopher. Just because a person does not daven ( mummble hebrew words to a diety that does not exist) hardly makes one evil. Even my frummer then frum wife does not consider me evil just because I refuse to engage in mummbling hebrew words over and over. She considers me lazy for not wanting to get up and run to shul like all the shul goers. Actually she considers me a very nice guy. Definately not evil in any way just lazy and shiftless. I can live with that.........Avi
Zerabbi@aol.com
I only went to shul a handful of times after I officially became an atheist. It was very strange. I tried meditating during the time for shmoneh esrei, but I was afraid I'd stick out because I would have looked like I was still davening after everyone was finished. Towards the end of my days as a believer, I'd finish davening and the shatz was just finished bowing for the second time in the first bruche. So the sudden change in apparent kavane would have stood out like a sore thumb.
I always hated talking shuls, so I usually davened in the shuls where you could here a pin drop during shmoneh esrei. I miss that quiet.
Try doing what I do. Instead of Aleinu, I say the pledge of alliegance. For some Tefilos, I'll say the words backwards. Anything to help pass the time. Oh, and believe it or not, a sefer can help.
BHB
No one appreciates my cheery personality.
Why not pass the time by saying the words? If you can do it with the pledge of allegience which yet mentions G-d you can daven too.
Here's another thing. If you can be in shul and not daven don't you think some may notice? If you are just yet reading other material yet it's obvious.
My (our) problem seems to be not being orthodox but having chosen to remain living in their world.So I (we) try to make the best of a sick situation. I call this social orthodoxy. I will go out on a limb & theorize that most frumies are socially frum ONLY and they really don't believe that the invisible man in the heavens is continuously montoring their lives..............
There's an old saying, "there are no atheists in fox holes".
I've never known any human who could truly be said to be not a believer. No matter what they say, you have to go by what they do. Like forensic detective work, you have to look at what actually happened to determine the mindset of the person, not just what they say, though that is also action but rarely in the way they intended at the time.
If humans, any human, truly didn't believe in a higher power, they would behave much differently. They'd act with no sign of fear in anything but the real world around them. Like animals do. They'd not mythologize a darn thing because there would be no suspicion, no belief, nothing presenting them with a mystery to mythologize.
Humans, unique among all animals, can have beliefs even if they don't know in what or how, even if they cannot quantify them at all, and mythologize them. Humans alone ritualize their allegedly baseless beliefs and do so consistently.
Religion is in the end an attempt to wrap that fearful thing, a belief if in you know not what, that presence or odd feeling just out of range of the normal five senses, and to make a wrap around, like a pearl around grit in an oyster.
It allows you to return yourself to the center of affairs, to retake primacy, and feel comfortable with yourself. For some who name that G-d, religion is a way to do away with the scary unknown depths of feeling and belief and make yourself the center of it, and assuage your guilt and make yourself feel like you're doing right by this entity.
A pile of fools' gold we set before us and sit content we have done right in His name.
What makes a religion worthwhile and this is largely subjective, is does the ritualization still transcendentally encompass the mysterious belief in you know not what, in a way that furthers your life. And that's not just food and water and riches for you. How well does the world get from this? The world you have to live in?
Does this way do right by you in all ways, and in all times, or at least all those that matter most?
Judaism indeed does by every yardstick I put to it. It's a good ritual framework for humanity. It's not perfect, but it is a light in the dark, and a way through the forest. It's good.
But a species that is even remotely capable of not believing would not grasp ritualization because it could have no meaning because the very purpose of it doesn't exist for them. Not all belief is a choice, some you're born with part and parcel of being human.
-suitepotato-,
> If humans, any human, truly didn't believe in a higher power, they would behave much differently.
Most of what you are saying is very nice but it doesn't make god exist. I do know that there are people who believe in god, that doesn't make them right.
But let's say the existance of god doesn't really matter (I think it does) then I see you comment as an argument for Orthopraxy. Religion might work on a macro level as a medium for people to "return... to the center of affairs, to retake primacy". But the devil is in the details. Once you get down to the micro level and start worrying about how you've tied you tizizis I find there is little to no connection to "finding primacy" or whatever.
If it is really true that there are no atheists in foxholes it represents a challenge to atheism. If atheism is true it must be true even in foxholes or when a gun is threatened to go off.
some might say that just going through the motions and saying the words in davening is more mitoch shelo lishmah bah lishmah.
dont worry, im not going all pollyanna on you lnm, im just saying that its not a bad thing to just say the words even if you dont believe them.
Fed,
"I only went to shul a handful of times after I officially became an atheist."
Hum? Is there a form you need to fill out first?
LNM,
I know we disagree about a good deal but I also don't agree with a good deal of what's expressed in a typical shabbos davening. I tend to conceptualize it all as an extended metaphor.
OP,
>Hum? Is there a form you need to fill out first?
Didn't you get yours? There is a secret society that monitors everything you do and as soon as they see signs that you don't believe in God anymore, they send you the "Official Atheist Form." Any atheist can confirm this for you. Maybe you're an impostor!
Stopped davening a few years back (doesn't really matter whether you believe in God or not, davening is hopelessly outdated) and I haven't looked back. And once you gather a decent number of non-Jewish friends, the whole shul social experience becomes totally unnecessary.
It's kinda like a country club.
there are no atheists in foxholes
YAWN
CM,
"And once you gather a decent number of non-Jewish friends, the whole shul social experience becomes totally unnecessary."
Yet another Jewish practice that should be put to pasture, eh?
Fed,
"There is a secret society that monitors everything you do and as soon as they see signs that you don't believe in God anymore, they send you the "Official Atheist Form." Any atheist can confirm this for you."
How strange, And here I thought you had to first apply to the agency. I didn't realize they had you "pre-approved" for the offer.
In case anyone didn't notice but Orthoprax's idea of extended metaphor is perfect for davening as we don't claim to agree with whatever is said literally. People are praying and singing not leraning texts. Think of it as a crowd singing songs at an event. We don't ask for literalness.
OP,
> I tend to conceptualize [shabbos davening] as an extended metaphor.
That sounds interesting. Can you go into more depth on that? What do you see it as a metaphor for? And on a related topic, why stick with the script? Why not rewrite your own prayer based on the original?
Raban Gamliel: “Here's another thing. If you can be in shul and not daven don't you think some may notice? If you are just yet reading other material yet it's obvious.”
I mainly don’t daven either, yet nobody seems to care. As long as you mind your business and don’t stick out of the crowd, worshippers are indifferent. Try it out yourself.
It’s not that I’m an atheist; I just can’t get myself to kavona, so I abandon the thing altogether.
OP,
>I didn't realize they had you "pre-approved" for the offer.
Maybe it's just the elite militant atheists, like me, that are pre-approved.
"Ex-Hassid said...
Raban Gamliel: “Here's another thing. If you can be in shul and not daven don't you think some may notice? If you are just yet reading other material yet it's obvious.”
I mainly don’t daven either, yet nobody seems to care. As long as you mind your business and don’t stick out of the crowd, worshippers are indifferent. Try it out yourself.
It’s not that I’m an atheist; I just can’t get myself to kavona, so I abandon the thing altogether."
I vary in Kavanna but there is something about consistency in practice that makes it that when I do have Kavanna it is even more special. It is like going on vacation. If you do it every year it produces a different feeling when you experience it. All the vacations become connected.
The first time I missed shul on my fathers yartzeit it bothered me. I don't go and really don't give a shit anymore.
Suitepotato said...
>
I've never known any human who could truly be said to be not a believer. No matter what they say, you have to go by what they do.
>
You could also prove the exact opposite, that is that people who claim to believe (or "think" they believe) really don't else their actions IN PRIVATE would not deviate from their public actions.
Yet how many people secretly do things 'cause they think (or KNOW) that no one is watching?
LNM,
"That sounds interesting. Can you go into more depth on that? What do you see it as a metaphor for?"
Some obvious things. Like when a tefila goes on about the miracles God performed, can't we understand the natural wonders of the universe as miraculous? When saying that God is just and good, etc - aren't we really saying that we are putting those values on the highest of planes? Does God do resurrection (mechayeh maytim) - or can we understand it as God giving us a meaningful lease on life where, for example, thinking of the transcendent lifts up the spirits of the depressed.
In general I don't look at davening as asking God for anything, but as a means of focusing thoughts and getting centered for the day. Keep your eye on the ball - is it most important to have a good time or to do good in your time?
"And on a related topic, why stick with the script? Why not rewrite your own prayer based on the original?"
Well, first off, I'm a traditionalist. I like the words and the way they roll off my tongue. Secondly, I couldn't write decent Hebrew poetry if you put a gun to my head. Thirdly, you can hardly have *communal* davening if you're saying something different from everyone else.
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