This past Shabbos my wife noticed that she left her alarm clock set to go off. I was reminded of a similar situation from this past Rosh HaShana. She asked me what we could do about it. I thought to myself "I'll turn it off for you" but I said nothing. She said maybe she'll have the baby turn it off when he wakes up. We've used the baby to adjust the thermostat (electric, push-button) in the past. It's debatable if using the baby to break Shabbos is kosher. When I woke up in the morning the alarm was turned off. I didn't ask her how it got that way.
I think the idea of having the baby turn it off is a mixture of two concepts: 1) minors are not bound to follow religious law; and 2) the concept of shinui. In brief, shinui is a leniency that allows one to violate a Rabbinic law for the sake of an ill person if the prohibition if is done in a way different from normal. For example, you might turn off a light in a sick person's room by slapping it with the back of your hand. I get the impression that holding the baby's hand and using it to flick off a light simply for personal preference is not OK.
After Shabbos lunch the wife started folding the baby's laundry. The unfolded laundry sitting in the basket was clearly bothering her. As she was folding the clothing she kept saying things like "I really shouldn't be doing this, right?" I said nothing. I don't want to lecture her about halacha regardless of my personal feelings. Then of course my personal feelings are "Who cares?!" She also knows that I don't believe in the whole system so I try not to say anything in favor of or against halacha.
Later, I took using the baby as an excuse one step further. When she had gone to the restroom I adjusted the thermostat on my own. When she came back I told her that I had the baby turn it up. It had gotten cold and I was going to adjust it anyway but the baby offered an easy out. In the past I've taken the baby in the other room and just adjusted it myself. If it gives her peace of mind the lying can't be that bad.
That's what I tell myself anyway.
18 comments:
Adolescents are bound to mitzvos. It's before when it is learning. But in regards to lying to your wife I don't think it is right. Admittedly it is a slight offense. Take the baby to do things with it just to be truthful if you feel too uncomfortable to do it yourself with her knowing.
For $1,000,000 would you throw a sefer torah on the ground?
LNM,
Have you considered Karaite Judaism? I am not Karaite, but they have a lot of good ideas. Plus they are more flexible about Shabbat laws, while still being Way more traditional than Reform or Conservative.
Have a look at their website
www.karaite-korner.org
or Google "Karaite Judaism".
Regards,
Dave. (can't seem to get myself listed as a blogger).
Tough stuff...
With regards to being truthful, I think that there is a difference between lying to be manipulative and lying for Shalom Bayit. If your wife asks you if she is getting fat, and she is, I think it's OK to lie. (What do all of you women readers say about this???) We also do this with our children, for their benefit, tell little "social lies" and lies of omission.
In the situation with your wife the two of you will have to find a comfort zone of what is said or not said.
Love the title of your post. This is such weird stuff about using the baby to break Shabbat... it would make a great short story. Kind of like a surreal Nathan Englander piece or something.
"Plus they are more flexible about Shabbat laws,"
Flexibility is not what they're famous for. Maybe they are not Orthodox Karaites.
This past Shabbos my wife noticed that she left her alarm clock set to go off.
So what was the problem, halachically speaking? The only real d'oraisah issue is with incandescent bulbs according to R. S. Z. Auerbach. I can't think of anything having to do with a radio that is more than a rabbanan according to this shita. So turn it off with a shinui and - presto - shalom bayis!
I think the word you were looking for was "minors", not "adolescents". The start of adolescence is not a fixed thing, the Wikipedia article gives definitions starting at between 10 and 14.
Warren, you're right. Thanks for pointing it out.
OK, for $10,000,000 would you throw a sefer torah on the ground?
Anon,
If I gave you a nickel would you stop asking stupid questions?
$10,000,000 why not?
Anonymous, please shut the hell up. Pretty please. Are you trying to shame LNM? To give him mussar? Get over yourself. This blog is a safe place for LNM to talk about his issues and struggles. I give him credit for not censoring you.
LNM, I'm no expert on marriage (mine was a dismal failure, but) this is not good, yes? This is not the same as lying to protect your wife's feelings. You are lying to keep her from knowing a fundamental truth about you. Are you prepared to do this for the rest of your marriage and the rest of your life?
I am right there. I use the baby to turn off lights and then feel bad about it because I am actually doing the motion and not the baby.
But the truth is, I am pretty sure that turning off an alarm clock before it goes off is not breaking shabbos at all. I think there is no issur as you are preventing a future electrical current, not stopping a present one.
OSM,
I think turning off the alarm clock can be an issue because when you turn off the alarm the LED indicator turns off as well. Not that I care...
Wow. So amazing of you to admit this. I was dating a guy for a long time, and our relation was exactly like yours and your wife's - I can completely relate to her, though I understand you too. It all boils dwon to emunah. If she has emunah in Torah and halacha, there is no meeting in the middle, sacrificing, or looseing up on her part, She will always resent the little things you do that are against halacha. And do not lie to her - She will end up hating you.
Either you both do different things and still love each other, or you do the mitzvos for her sake.
I also suggest in this specific case you see a frum therapist, and I can give you a couple of good, normal ones.
Becuase if your relationship is anything like mine was, even if she agrees to bend just a little, you are going to keep pushing and hoping she will let you do x,y,z. Your requests will not stop, and she might totally feel out of control.
I am not judging you. I understand why there is so much conflict in this religion, and sometimes the minutia is annoying, and it all feels stupid. I get it. I do. BUt you need to sort this out for the love of your life and the baby.
I wish you the best of luck.
JJ,
Great comment. I'd prefer to have an email discussion about this but you didn't leave an address. Please email me at: LubabNoMore@gmail.com
> She will always resent the little things you do that are against halacha. And do not lie to her - She will end up hating you.
I'm not sure I agree she will hate me for lying to her. She doesn't hate me when I lie and say that her dress "doesn't make her look fat" or that she looks beautiful when she doesn't. I agree with Dan Savage that "All healthy, lasting, long-term relationship are built on a foundation of lies—from the outset." My little white lies don't hurt her. In fact, they help her (they make her feel good about herself, they let her be warm on Shabbos, etc.)
> Either you both do different things and still love each other, or you do the mitzvos for her sake.
Currently, I'm doing mitzvos for her sake but I would prefer to do different things and still love each other. Life is OK now but I worry about how long I will be willing to keep this up.
> I also suggest in this specific case you see a frum therapist, and I can give you a couple of good, normal ones.
I received similar advice from a friend of mine. Please forward any names you may have. It may be worth trying.
> Becuase if your relationship is anything like mine was, even if she agrees to bend just a little, you are going to keep pushing and hoping she will let you do x,y,z. Your requests will not stop, and she might totally feel out of control.
Can you expand on what you mean by "she might totally feel out of control"? What is she losing control of? What should she be in control of?
Feel free to just email me if you don't want to chat in public.
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