Internet service was down at work last week so YR (my Reform co-worker) and I took a long lunch. We were schmoozing about my "being a frum" [sic] while not "believing in god" situation. He asked how it was going. I said it's been OK but that I haven't talked with wifey about it in a while. I told him that she has noticed that I haven't been practicing much and that I want to have a discussion with her about where I'm currently at.
YR gave me a look and asked me what my best-case-scenario is. I've thought about this. I told him that in my best-case-scenario she would join me and we wouldn't be frum. But, I added, because of her family she will never cross over. Her family is really tight and very involved in each others lives. The stress of a family member going OTD would probably be enough pressure to keep her on the path. But, even if she was willing to cross over we would still keep a kosher kitchen so they could eat at our house. So, ideally, I would keep a kosher kitchen at home, but eat-out, and Shabbos would be like Sunday.
"And realistically?" he asked "Because you know she's not going to change."
"Realistically? I guess I would do what I'm doing now but that she'd be OK with it."
"So for all practical purposes you're living your best-case-scenario?" (He said it more as a statement than as a question).
"I guess... I'm just a little concerned that the other shoe is waiting to drop."
Despite what I said in my mangled metaphor (the thing about the shoe with a sense of timing) I think she's getting used to the idea.
More on that to come.
25 comments:
She had to find out the hard way. G-d forbid that you could have been honest with her.
What are you even talking about?
Try such an innocent approach with her.
RG, you don't know my wife. You also don't have a complete picture of our relationship. Stop pretending you do.
Are you even married?
You weren't honest with your wife. What's there to know with that?
I do know you. I know your wife and her family. I'm shocked and they will be too. Maybe you can find an apartment with your friend the Candy Man, because your days as you know them now are numbered!.
Don't make me laugh.
LNM:
I'm sure this is hard for you. I hope everything works out. You can contact me anytime.
-Mushroomjew
do u have any kids? if you do, do u really think your wife will let them be raised not frum? would u do that to them? why should your precious little neshomelehs suffer for your lack of faith? and dont you think that would be really confusing for them? having lived frum so far in life and then just to switch while the rest of their family, aunts uncles cousin etc., stay frum? you can really screw up your kids by doing that, if they are of age to understand whats going on. so i ask you is you and your wife and your kids all becoming not frum really your best case scenario?
Lubab, my wife is far more frum then your wife and she has accepted that I dont believe in God.I am even bold enough to say so to family members. She got used to the idea and now leaves me alone to my own devices ( as long as I make kiddush and havdalah ) and are not mechallel shabbos . I can live with those terms. The only difference is that we are married for 39 years already. No women wants to be divorced to raise kids alone. Just go easy and eventually she will accept it....Avi
TMH, I beg to differ with you. I know quite a few families where the husband is not frum and the wife and kids are and are all managing to make it work. True , it may not be easy and may leave the kids confused but kids usually follw what mom says and the yeshiva will do a good job of indocterinating them.....Avi
Avi, I think it's cool, your story. You should blog about it sometime.
As for the other shoe, well these things tend to go in cycles in my limited experience. Not talking about it does help, I think, focusing on the positive. But there is also something to be said for an occasional couple's therapy session... even if it's aromatherapy!
Maybe she should just leave it at that you're having a personal time of crisis and/or reflection and let you alone to it out of faith in you. After all, she married you so if she doesn't have faith that whatever comes of it will be right in accordance with the best of you, then what does that say about her choice in marrying you?
That's what I say when it comes to me becoming more religious and converting and my wife becoming less religious and slowly sliding sideways towards being Christian. I didn't marry her for her observance or things like that and have to trust her heart will find its level.
Good luck as this continues in your life LNM.
The Candy Man said...
Avi, I think it's cool, your story. You should blog about it sometime.
Maybe some one will invite me to post a guest article about it....Avi
Avi,
Consider yourself invited. If you want to guest post please email me and we'll chat. LubabNoMore@gmail.com
It's going the other way here. I can't talk about anything at all or the lawyer talk comes out. OSM.
"But there is also something to be said for an occasional couple's therapy session... even if it's aromatherapy!"
That's true. It means real reflection. It takes both sides too.
>the lawyer talk comes out
OSM, are you talking the "D word" or is your husband a lawyer?
tmh,
I have one kid who will hear the phrase "Go ask your mother" many, many times before he figures out what's going on for himself. At present he can't speak.
-suitepotato-,
Your story sounds fascinating. I'm going to have to go read your old posts now.
OSM,
> It's going the other way here. I can't talk about anything at all or the lawyer talk comes out.
Whoa. That's a bit intense. BUT, that's marriage. You find a way to make it work and stick with it. I don't think the non-marrieds get it.
As long as you maintain semblance of observance externally, to family and friends, it can work.
But if you are honest with yourself, or some might say childish or selfish, and want to make sure that everyone knows what you are about then your days are numbered.
"But there is also something to be said for an occasional couple's therapy session... "
As a therapist, I can tell you that religious observance, and all the trappings involved with it, ranks as one of the most complex scenarios to wade through. Most couples don't make it.
"As long as you maintain semblance of observance externally, to family and friends, it can work."
The kids know pal, the kids know. Parent's who go "through the motions" be it love, work, religion, etc, pass that attitude on to their kids like a virus. Alas, it's good for our private practices I guess.
Nimrod,
I think you're more or less right.
You know she's going to - and has to - divorce you, right?
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