I'm not feeling it anymore.
The angst. The questioning. The worrying.
It's all gone.
I just don't worry about the questions anymore. I know that I will never get real answers. No one can prove that god exists. To believe in Judaism you need to introduce (unreliable) faith at some point in the equation. Rabbis, and bloggers can invent clever/cute answers to these existential questions but ultimately there is no real evidence. Everyone just imposes their own interpretation of how life should be lived onto the Torah anyway.
We're just a speck on a speck on a speck. Nothing I say, do, or think is going to change that. But that's cool. Life is what it is.
O.K. So I'm comfortable with the questions. Now what?
I am married to someone to whom being religious is important. At the same time I've wrestled with doing mitzvos. For me the dilemma has been that by preforming these actions I was in conflict with who I was internally as a person. Davening is a good example. By endlessly praising god I felt I was contradicting who I was as a person. I think a big part of this was that philosophically I had tied "doing mitzvos" directly to "serving god". For decades my attitude about Torah and Mitzvos was that everything we do is in the service of god. Light menorah? Because god wants us to. Shake the lulav? See god. Tie your shoes in the opposite order you put them on? god again.
More recently I've (kind'a) gotten over my strong association between mitzvos and god. I can now see things more as 'cultural activities.' I don't daven in shul with any real kavana (intent) but I can skim the words and mumble sounds without feeling conflict.
Halloween has helped me with this.
I feel like Halloween is instructive because so many people observe it without any real commandment to do so. No one is required to carve a pumpkin and put it on their porch, but millions do.
What is the origin of this practice?
Is it intrinsically related to Halloween?
Does anyone even believe that dressing up will fool spirits?
Does anyone care?
No.
No one cares.
The history of Halloween is almost entirely removed from the present practice. But people do it because they enjoy it. People do it because they've always done it. People do it so they can share experiences with their family.
Of course, a better analogy for an orthopraxer is Christmas. Many people DO treat Christmas as a religious holiday. And many other people celebrate it for reasons having nothing to do with lord and savior, Jesus H. "Tapdancing" Christ. People celebrate it because it is fun, it's a reason to get together with family, it's an excuse to take a break from the usual work schedule. My new attitude is "Why can't Succos be the same?"
So, now I look at eating in the succah as "a fun thing to do." Why will I light menorah? It's a fun thing to do. Why do I go to shul? It (can be) a fun thing to do.
This attitude breaks down a little around events like Yom Kippur. But, I don't really fast anyway. The analogy isn't perfect but, it's good enough to help me get by. Nothing is perfect. On Halloween no one wants to answer the door and give candy to annoying teenagers who haven't bothered to dress up. But that's the entry fee for participating.
Is the story of Purim true? Is the story of Thanksgiving true? Does it matter where the myth came from? No. Not really. Like so much of our culture these things get interpreted over and, over to the point that the current meanings (Purim's celebration of survival, Thanksgiving's celebration of being thankful) matter more than the origin of the practice.
Maybe this is all just a long way of giving myself permission to apply my own meanings to Jewish practices.
Who knows?
All I know is I'm content.
28 comments:
"No one can prove that god exists."
No one can prove that Richard Dawkins exists.
"To believe in Judaism you need to introduce (unreliable) faith at some point in the equation." You're the new Kierkegaard :-P
I'm glad you're writing about faith (or lack-there-of) again. I have no desire to change your (dis)beliefs, but I do enjoy reading them!
LNM - I practice a lot of the rituals not necessarily because they are fun, (although that certainly comes into play) but I also find meaning in the ritual outside the god thing. I have written a bit about Purim, a bit about TuB'shvat.
b'Shalom
Lubab, now you have the right idea. What little I do, I do because I want to do it. I light the Chanuka menorah not because I think that God is watching and waiting for me to make a Bracha. I do it because everyone else does, so why not. I even make a bracha before eating periodically, because why not. It only takes a few seconds. I draw the line at going to shul and mummbling hebrew words for hours on end to a God who most probably does not exist, and even if he does he doesn't need my advice. It works out pretty good, he ignores me and I ignore him. What , you want me to call attention to myself by talking to him ? I am not that crazy if he sees me, I might get struck by lightning.......Avi
That is why God gave us the mitzvos in the first place, he gave them to us for us. Do you really think God is powered by mitzvos? Please, give me a break. People with "emuna peshuta" don't think much into God's existence or not, they just do what the Torah told them to, and they a simcha out of doing so. So good for you for enjoying doing the mitzvos.
I think your current attitude is a healthy one. You are finding ways to live without resentment and with satisfaction. I think it is a mature approach.
Lubab- im in an almost identical situation to you. check out my post on haven not heaven.
all i can say is thank god for inventing the internets!!!!!!!!!1
Chanukah, Purim, etc is not the problem. It's Shabbos, Shul, Kashrus and the likes. When you discover an antidote for that, other than leaving, I'll be forever in your debt.
Thanks for posting this, I am married with two kids and feel exactly the same way.
I struggled for a few years after yeshiva with my doubts about faith, and then realized that thinkers greater than I have unsatisfactorily debated these questions for far too long for their to be an acceptable answer.
Therefore I do because it's my heritage, for familial and social reasons. The people I best relate to live under this system, so I either go with the flow or become a social outcast and try to find a new society to fit into. No thanks.
But the total lack of terror of Hell makes doing the few mitzvas I do so much more enjoyable.
"But the total lack of terror of Hell makes doing the few mitzvas I do so much more enjoyable."
And the Aveiros too?
JP,
I assume you know that video is a parody. Thanks for posting!
Jessica,
Thanks for the compliment and the feedback.
Faith,
Thanks for the links. I'm going to check out your blog.
BHB,
> antidote for... Shabbos, Shul, Kashrus
I dunno. Do we really need an antidote for these things?
Shabbos: I never cared for college football anyway.
Shul: Post davening kiddiush is great.
Kashrus: Is the food really that different?
All these things have their annoyances but they have positive sides too. But I'm also in a fairly modern community and have a modern household. It may be more oppressive in your situation.
Anon,
Thanks for posting and thanks for sharing your story. If you have more to share and want to do a guest post LMK.
I agree with you entirely with one added dimension: Jewish continuity and peoplehood.
I think that the continued existence of a distinct Jewish people is worthwhile.
I therefore do my part by partaking in the customs, rituals and community life, (including the sacrifices and things that aren't so fun, like my son serving in the IDF) so that it may continue, especially through my children (and grandchild to be, b'h, in June)
and grandchild to be, b'h, in June)
***********************************Okay my friend, we may meet even sooner then you thought. My daughter in law in Rechovot is expecting her second in May and we already know that it is a boy so I guess that we have to come to Rechovot for a bris.....Avi
I'm pretty much in the same boat as you in terms of the way I've been approaching Judaism. Glad to hear you've found a comfortable place.
LNM,
"I think a big part of this was that philosophically I had tied "doing mitzvos" directly to "serving god". For decades my attitude about Torah and Mitzvos was that everything we do is in the service of god. Light menorah? Because god wants us to. Shake the lulav? See god. Tie your shoes in the opposite order you put them on? god again."
Doing something in the mindset of "avodat Hashem" doesn't necessarily imply that "God wants us" to do anything. Think of all the times you do an act in honor or in respect or in memory for something or just to show your allegience to an ideal without a conception that the 'something' wanted it to be done.
The simple understanding of mitzvot is indeed 'commandment,' but there's also a strand in Chassidic thought (see Likkutei Torah, Parshas Bechukosai 45c) that it's related to the word 'tzaveh' - which means 'connection.' Jewish observance can therefrom be understood in part as a human-based effort to 'connect' with the transcendent.
So yeah, it depends completely on your approach and mindset, but shaking lulav for example can indeed be an attempt to connect with the divine by using it as a vehicle to raise your consciousness towards those ideals.
This isn't to say that Jewish observance doesn't have it's great value as social activities and a cultural heritage, but I think it's a nice vort to put a little kavanah back into your actions.
LMN:
You hit the nail on the head.... as usual.
The mumble daven is not so bad. Sometimes, just for kicks, I'll just recite another part of davening, or say a poem, during shemona Esrei. not sure why.
Now I take my son to shul so we have a good time with eachother.
I make sure to give him lots of kisses in shul - as I remember learning once that you are not allowed to kiss your son in shul becuase you are supposed to love God more. lol.
The problematic observances are not kashrus (I use a 'throwback' lenient approach.. like our parents used to - which opens up more possiblities), nor Shabbos - once I started using the hot water in the bathroom to wash my face in the morning, I too will pass on the College Football.
The problem is Niddah, Tisha B'av and Yom Kippur. Those are hard to avoid.
I think your general attitude here is a good one, Lubab. As a fifth column within the fundamentalist ranks, I hope you'll combat the negatives that come with Orthodox community - ethnocentrism, homophobia, discrimination, etc.
Kashrus: Is the food really that different?
Yeah, the food is better. Although you could make it all kosher. The problem is that Jews haven't really learned much about any decent cuisines other than Western.
You might be able to convince your wife to eat out at a vegi Indian restaurant. It's worth it.
Forgot to mention that I really enjoyed this post.
can't wait to see your response to Ronen's video.
he seems like a very kind and sincere person, though he couldn't control himself from mocking Christianity, though he did manage to stifle an all out belly-laugh.
"You might be able to convince your wife to eat out at a vegi Indian restaurant. It's worth it."
There are kosher ones by Lexington and 27th. Relatively undiscovered but definitely worth the experience. I used to bring my dates there. ;-)
Nice, I like your new attitude. I think I'll try it on, too.
I also always tied mitzvos to God, since that is how I was raised. We do everything le'sheim shamayim, because God said so...if you take God out, it's meaningless.
I like your interpretation. I'm going with that now :)
Has anybody heard or read Solomon Schimmel? He has two interviews on podcasts at Point of Inquiry website, great stuff.
Basically, there are more of us "orthoprax" than you think... but people probably don't talk about it openly except in very liberal orthodox circles.
I'm glad you have inner peace... :) I came to this conclusion a while ago, but I'm still struggling in general.
Whatever your reason for doing mitzvos, at least you're doing them.
As for, "No one can prove that G-d exists"... You really should say, "No one can prove TO ME that G-d exists."
Never mind Rambam, if you aren't sure that he existed or something like that: Some of the greatest Enlightenment philosophes tried to prove that G-d existed and for many people, their proofs were enough. That they're not enough for you has to do with your beliefs; not with the fact that it can't be proven.
Hello.
I just came across this blog.
I can understand why, as a thinking person, you are "Lubab No More." The Lubab guy who responded to you by video was well-intentioned, but not up to the task.
If you are now "content" and that is your life goal, then there is nothing further that anyone can say to you.
If, however, you are looking for truth rather than contentment, i would recommend a couple of books that might get you thinking. They are not your standard frum offerings. Both are available on Amazon; neither is available at your local Jewish book store.
1)On Being a Jew - James Kugel.
2)A Meaningful World - Benjamin Wiker.
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