Our Secret Identities

GUEST POST BY The Candy Man

Secret identities are at the heart of two Biblical stories: Esther, and Joseph. In both stories, the protagonist finds her/himself in a position of power in a foreign, non-Jewish world. The character's Jewish identity is unknown. When her past comes back to haunt her, the protagonist must then make a choice to reveal her identity. The "secret identity" theme in both stories makes for great drama. It also challenges us to think about who we are, and who we are willing to tell about it.

Identity is a mixture of nurture and nature. We are each born with genetic propensities towards certain modes of thought, likes and dislikes, emotional and personality traits. This is the "nature" side of our identity. In addition, everyone has his own cultural and philosophical heritage. This heritage is often thrust upon us by our teachers and parents. In this sense, our cultural heritage may be much more nurture than nature.

Both the nurture and the nature become ingrained in one's sense of self. It is hard to shake either one. For instance, I was raised an Orthodox Jew, and Judaism has always been very close to my heart. Yet over time I became convinced that Orthodox Judaism was not for me. Besides all the Biblical criticism, OJ simply wasn't progressive enough for the "nature" side of my personality. So I left Orthodoxy. But you cannot run from who you are and how you were raised. I believe this is part of what Obama was getting at when he said he could not denounce his pastor or his grandmother, despite their racist points of view, because they were part of him -- and part of this country which he loves. So I do not hate Orthodoxy, or Judaism. Instead, I find in it the parts that resonated most, and use them as my focus. I try to move Judaism forward, keep it relevant, make it stronger and more sustainable.

Unlike Esther, I choose not to hide my cultural heritage from my non-Jewish colleagues. I don't exactly rub my Judaism in their face, but I don't back down from discussing religion or middle east politics. I generally enjoy my role as a token Jew in the workplace. Interacting with people of different backgrounds has been a tremendous experience, and I highly recommend it. We are at our core social animals, and it is only by social interaction and experiences that our minds can truly learn and change. By making close friends with non-Jews, by breaking bread with them, I become less guarded; I begin to leave behind my subconscious "us/them" mentality. The trade-off is that, like Joseph, there is a growing side of my life which I hide from my loved ones, who are Orthodox Jews that I do not wish to offend.

LNM has a secret identity: he blogs anonymously. He does this to protect his marriage. It is not for the commentors of blogs to suggest that an anonymous blogger reveal his/her identity. You cannot know what LNM's reasons are. To say, as one commentor recently did, that "I don't have any secrets, honest people generally don't" is a cheap shot, and disrespectful. As the Rabbis say, Do not judge another person until you have stood in his place (Mishna Avot 2:5). I know LNM, and I know his penchant for truth and honesty. He is proud of who he is, and he would love to tell you all his identity. But LNM is not an island. Revealing his identity on this blog would deeply hurt the person he cares about most, and that person is machriya et kulam -- outweighs everyone else. Even Superman needs to keep his true identity a secret, for the sake of the ones he loves.

Nowhere is the issue of secret identity felt as palpably as it is within the gay community. Being gay is not something a person can control. It is not a choice. It is largely nature. If there is a nurture component, it occurs during childhood, when our earliest notions of sexuality are being burned into our brains. Our American society is in flux with respect to the gay issue, it is on a journey. Hopefully, that journey will someday end in tolerance, acceptance, and peace. But as the comments to my last post indicated, we are not there yet. For now, many homosexuals must keep their true selves a secret, even from their closest friends. If Passover is the holiday for womens' lib, then Purim must be the holiday for gay pride -- a holiday in which the protagonist comes out of the closet. But as in blogging, "outing" another person is a violation of his or her privacy. It is up to that person to decide when, where, and who to come out to.

As we celebrate this holiday of identity, we might remember that identity cannot be delegated, nor can it be shunned. It is both internal and external, a mixture that is based on the past but changing all the time. Let us strive to make it easier for people to share their identities with us. Let us strive to make them comfortable with who they are. If they are more or less religious, let us reaffirm to them our understanding that it takes different strokes. If we have children, may we provide them with a broad and tolerant framework, a framework of unconditional love, within which they feel comfortable to find themselves. As the rabbis said,

Any love which depends on a specific thing,
when the thing goes away, so does the love.
But any love that is independent of anything else
lasts forever.

(Mishna Avot 5:19)

Oy. I've gone and written a whole megilla!