It's been a week since I let my wife know I don't believe in God or Torah from Sinai. I think the worst is behind us.
My non-believing comes up about once a day. Not in a malicious way, but either she'll make a joke about it or ask if I've called any Rabbis to talk about my thoughts. It's good she's talking about it because it means she's thinking about it and not ignoring the situation.
As a result of my revelation I think I've also been a better husband this past week. Not that I've done anything extraordinary. But, I've been better about doing my share of the chores, being a little more aware of clutter around the house, and being a little more helpful. I know I'm feeling a little more motivated because she's stressed about my non-believing. Doing the little stuff can really help take the edge off the stress in the relationship. Like many guys, if left to my own devices, the floor of my living room quickly becomes littered with dirty clothing, pizza boxes and beer bottles. So ladies, while doing the dishes and taking out the garbage may not sound like a big deal I just want to be clear that it goes against my nature and EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN.
Today, I called one of the Rabbis I told her I would speak with. I'll call him Rabbi Z. We spoke for about an hour. It was a good discussion. It was the first time we had spoken at length and he let me do most of the talking. He broke down my situation into two larger issues. 1) My personal spiritual journey and 2) my relationship with my wife and baby. He said that my personal journey would take some time, whereas I need to address my family situation ASAP to make sure I am in a place where I am not damaging my situation at home. I agree on both accounts. I have already given my wife the impression that I will continue to be orthoprax so, as far as she is concerned, nothing but my mindset has changed. (Truth be told, I really am orthoprax with the occasional exception of breaking Shabbos here and there.) I will keep in touch with Rabbi Z.
The real benefit of the call with Rabbi Z. came after I got off the phone. My wife was curious about how the call went. I saw her interest as an opportunity to talk about our situation while still keeping the issue at arms length. Personally, I like to deal with problems head-on. I'm definitely of the "rip the band-aid off in one painful stroke" mentality. My wife is the opposite. Where I like to just dive in and tackle an issue she would rather slowly acclimate to the water. So, I told her about the two issue analysis I mentioned above. It seemed like a good way to communicate to her that I'm not going to change my mind anytime soon (if at all).
I then told her a anecdote Rabbi Z. shared with me about a couple in a similar situation. In the (true) story the husband was also becoming less orthodox. But, his wife looked down on him because of the practices he was no longer following. The two couldn't come to a compromise or respect one another. In the end they got divorced. I shared the story with her because I want her to know that she has a role in this too. I want her to respect and love me despite what I believe. (And I think she does.)
I also mentioned that R' Z. reminded me that once you have a kid you are forever connected to the other parent, even if you divorce. That brought the D-word into our discussion. She gets quiet and teary-eyed whenever we talk about my non-believing for more than five minutes. :( Today she said the reason she gets so upset is because she is worried about our possible divorce. I told her I have no interest in divorce and that for me it is not an acceptable resolution to this situation. I think saying divorce is not an option did a lot to calm her fears. After I put that out there we were able to talk about this issue for a little while. Our conversations on this subject are slowly improving.
So far, so good.
16 comments:
Picking up the pizza boxes goes against "everything you believe in", that it's not in men's nature to do this. Now that's an intense belief! Yet, somehow, G-d is against "everything you believe in", too. I thought that was interesting. I'd figure for sure you'd capitalize on the opportunity and say something like "G-d made men unable to pick up pizza boxes", and kill two birds with one stone. But alas, you didnt' take the easy way out. :-)
Lubav no more--
I'm so glad to hear that your on getting on track. Remember that for your wife, this is very much like a mourning process-- she lost something-- a part of you that she previously connected with. She has to adjust to this new "you".
Sounds like you have a wise Rabbi to talk to.
Lubab. Your new blog has added some spice to the long dormant ORTHOPRAX blogosphere. It would most interesting and stimulate discussion if she would throw in her 2 cents once in a while. Let her write
>But, his wife looked down on him because of the practices he was no longer following. The two couldn't come to a compromise or respect one another. In the end they got divorced. I shared the story with her because I want her to know that she has a role in this too.
Wow, it sounds almost like a threat.
Baal Habos,
> Wow, it sounds almost like a threat.
That wasn't my intention and I don't think it sounded like that when we were talking. But, I can see why you might get that impression. Thanks for pointing it out. I might follow up with her and make sure I didn't come off like an a__hole.
"So ladies, while doing the dishes and taking out the garbage may not sound like a big deal I just want to be clear that it goes against my nature and EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN."
LOL
You have some rabbi. It is two seperate fronts. One your marriage is all an emotional question. A matter of the heart. If you have intellectual questions fine. Also ask the rabbi them. I'm serious. But your marriage is an emotional question. Wise rabbi. Good lck buddy and keep cleaning up your room for your better half :-) By the way good for you in being open.
Frank,
> It would most interesting and stimulate discussion if she would throw in her 2 cents once in a while. Let her write
Yeah, that's not going to happen. :) The blog is really for my own personal catharsis. Writing about this experience publicly also helps me look at the situation a little more objectively. Again, cool idea, but its not going to happen.
It would most interesting and stimulate discussion if she would throw in her 2 cents once in a while. Let her write
That wont help one iota. I offered my wife to speak about it with some of the more normal frumskeptics. ( some of them obviously are not ) She had nothing to say except that I must have had a stroke. Maybe her attitude is the right one. Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies. She is a believer and nothing will sway her belief, I am not a believer. Avi
On the following blog a speech by Rabbi jonathan sacks, who was one of the most briliant Oxford graduates of all times, gives abit of his perspective on proofs of there being aG-d. Perhaps you would have a look, even though it is a bit complicated for me.
http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/
Don't let your wife comment on this blog. If she does, she will read your posts and leave. Who will pick up your pizza boxes then?
"I love TRUTH and really wanted the whole religion thing to work out."
Forgive me for being so blunt, however I think you love YOURSELF, you don't want to be bother anymore with any God stuff and you really are creating this blog to create an online support group of other people who have similar attitudes.
Proof - you'll delete this post.
Anon-to-be-deleted:
GET A LIFE!
Maybe all the skeptics are making u a tad uncomfortable with your beliefs?
It's good that you are talking. It's also great that she is clearly committed to your marriage.
You might want to get a baby sitter and go out and do something that you both enjoy - and don't talk at all about this issue on your date. This will help get you closer again.
Good job on the conversation. Excellent on reassuring her about no divorce and orthopraxing.
Unfortunately, everyone else is right about the blogs. My husband never reads my blog, he knows it will upset him.
But she could get herself a support group on imamother.com or a similar site. Women there constantly bring up husbands that are going off the derech. This post for example, was written a few days ago: My husband recently told me that he doesnt want to be religious anymore, and in fact the whole last 2 years he has been feeling this way more and more until it burst out of him. He said for an entire year he acted frum even though he didnt believe anymore just because he loves me and didnt want to hurt me. Help!!!!!!!! I Really need help and advice.
we are only married for over 2 years and we have no kids. I really love him
And everyone sits there and offers her advice about how to make nice and have good shalom bayis and work it all out.
As for the little stuff-pizza boxes and so on, relationships, as I'm sure you know, are like a bank. The more you put it, the more you'll have to draw on when bad things happen. If you just took out a huge chunk of savings, putting back little bits will help.
onionsoupmix,
> As for the little stuff-pizza boxes and so on, relationships, as I'm sure you know, are like a bank.
I had heard that analogy before but I had forgotten it. Thanks for the reminder. I think it is very appropriate.
congrats on having the courage to be honest about your beliefs/feelings. as difficult as it might seem, it will bring the two of you closer no matter what the outcome will be.
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