Have a Happy Halloween Heathens!

As a young Cheder boy I was taught celebrating Halloween was tantamount to idol worship.

I remember the excitement of wondering what kinds of costumes would show up at the door. Giving candy out to the other kids was the closest I came to participating on a yearly basis. At school my friends and I would compare notes about the different visitors we had the night before. "He-Man came to my house!" "This one kid had the coolest Pac-Man costume!" Clearly it was a very long time ago.

The kids from the frummest families would brag that they gave out healthy snacks. "Give them raisins. They won't come back next year." I suppose its good that the frummies at least gave the trick or treaters something.

My grade school Rebbeim felt the need to attack Halloween every year. "It's a pagan holiday! Avodah Zarah!!!" they would cry. Pagan was always short hand for idol worship. Of course, idol worship is covered in the Ten Commandments and is punishable by death. So on some level the message was if you dressed up and went Trick or Treating you should be killed. They were over the top about it. I guess they feared the lure of sweet, sweet candy might make us cross over. Meh. Purim always seemed like a fair trade. I was never hung up about missing out on Halloween. I think they over played their hand.

Wow. While writing this post I had a flashback.

I remember carving a pumpkin when I was very little (maybe 5?) with my father. That was pretty cool. If I remember correctly the pumpkin's hacked out features didn't come out as perfectly as I thought they should. We put a candle in it so the poorly carved face would light up in the dark. Having BT parents can be pretty cool sometimes.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Chabad vs. Jews for Jesus

Pictures of Jews for Jesus missionaries confronting Chabad-Lubavitch missionaries:
http://community.livejournal.com/weirdjews/1767330.html

Wild, wacky stuff.

(Hat tip: BrooklynWolf)

Do What I Say, Not What I Mean

At this past week's Shabbos table my father-in-law was discussing the Sacrifice of Issac which we had read that morning in shul.

As a parent I find the story particularly horrible. Perhaps when human sacrifice was more common it didn't sound as barbaric.

My father-in-law was trying out the various explanations offered by the sages. He liked Rashi's classic explanation that says Abraham was merely commanded to "bring him up as a sacrifice" but god didn't explicitly give the order to slaughter him!

My sister-in-law wouldn't have any of this grammatical technicality "So Dad, when you say to me 'You should clean your room' are you now saying that you don't really want me to clean it?"

Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.

I Blame The Rebbe

Menachem Mendel Schneerson, the 7th leader of the Chabad-Lubavitch movement, passed away on June 12th, 1994. He had suffered a massive stroke in 1992. The stroke left him paralyzed on the right side of his body and unable to speak. He never recovered. In the time that passed between his stroke and his death the previously quiet speculation that he was the long-awaited messiah developed into an all out declaration. When he finally died many of his followers had a hard time letting go. In the years since his death Chabad has become as known for its resurrectionists as it has for its kiruv work.

Speaking as a former insider I am saddened by the current state of Chabad. My personal feelings regarding religion aside, I admire the empire and network The Rebbe built. I also have many, many fond memories of life as a Chabadnik. Chabad today may be larger in numbers (and in cash flow) but it lacks the heart the movement had when The Rebbe was in charge.

Where did Chabad go wrong?

I blame the Rebbe. Chabad didn't go messianic while The Rebbe was incapacitated at the end of his life. I lay the blame with the Rebbe because he built the power of Lubavitch around a "cult of personality" with himself at the center. Once The Rebbe died, Lubavitch had no official leadership. In hindsight the results were almost predictable. The Rebbe had trained his followers to carry out his every command and be prepared for new instructions at anytime. His following was nothing less than fanatical. The Rebbe never prepared the movement for the possibility that a) the messiah wouldn't come or b) he would die. Before he got so old (he died at 92) he should have established a clear successor.

Why didn't The Rebbe create a successor?

I think he believed that Moshiach would come before he died. I think he believed in that idea so firmly that he bet the future of Chabad on that belief.

Tragically, The Rebbe was wrong.

Normal and Religious

Recently, I ran into a friend while riding the train home from work:

Friend: Hi, Lubab. How've you been?

Lubab: Good. What's going on?

Friend: I'm glad I ran into you. The wife and I are have some college kids over for Shabbos as part of a kiruv program. We want to invite you and Mrs. Lubab over for lunch. These guys need to see that you can be both normal and frum.

Lubab: Normal and frum, eh? Er, I only meet one of those two requirements.

Friend: Ha! No really, we'd love to have you.

Lubab: Actually, my in-laws are coming over so I'm going to have to pass. Sorry.

Friend: Oh well. Maybe next time.

I feel like Orthopraxy is catching up with me. Orthopraxers, do you have experiences where you have to misrepresent yourself or lie about your beliefs?

Lost and Found

An atheist's dilemma.

While running late for work this morning I found a set of keys at the train station. They were left on a bench at the platform. It appeared the keys were for a rental car. The key-chain had the rental company's logo on one side and some numbered codes on the other which could no doubt identify the car. I wanted to get the keys to their rightful owner. Personally, I would hate to lose something on the train and never get it back. However, I was torn. I could take the keys to a station employee BUT, I also knew my train was coming very soon. I could bet with a high degree of certainty that if I took the time to find a station employee I would miss the next train. I made a decision. I went back to the station entrance and handed the keys to the station manager. As I rushed back to the platform I could hear my train arriving and then leaving. My little good deed for the day set me back 10 minutes. Normally not a big deal but I was late as it was.

Why would I, a self identified atheist, do a favor that couldn't possibly be reciprocated, and would certainly have a negative impact on me? For me it was (almost) simple. I firmly believe in the Golden Rule. "Treat others the way you want to be treated." I try to live my life based on this principal. I'll be honest, it sucked to keep it today. But, I truly believe in this rule so in the end I chose to stick to it. I find these are words to live by.

The rest is commentary.

How to Dismantle a Suicide Bomb

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz continues to highlight the things that no one else in the Yiddishe Velt will.

The Jewish blogosphere is still abuzz about Sunday's Ha'aretz story 5 Haredi men beat woman who refused to move to back of bus. Yesterday, Rabbi Horowitz encouraged more discussion of this issue by posting an article titled Enough is Enough! by Miriam Shear. Miriam was the victim of a similar attack last November. In her personal, and reflective article she discusses her feelings at the time of the incident and the growing issue of Jewish religious violence (or what I like to call Jiwhad).

I like Miriam's article but I was taken aback by the following passage. It describes the alleged reason for the separate seating on the bus:

It has been brought to my attention a few times that the arbitrary decision by the #2 bus riders to make this line Mehadrin was instituted as a response to the horrific bombing on this line a few years prior. In an effort to provide more physical protection, it was decided to increase the spiritual value of tznius – and its inherent protection – by implementing a separate seating arrangement. [links added]

The riders implemented separate seating to provide the bus with protection from suicide bombings! This idea boggles my mind. I literally paused for a second after I read it. I used to think like a fundamentalist. For example, I once thought painting over a Calvin Klein bus ad without permission from the transit authority was appropriate. (I never acted on this thought.) My surprise at this "logic" reminded me just how far I've removed myself from that world.

Is there a textual source for this attempt at protection?

For some reason this approach makes me think of prayer. We pray to god and ask him for all sorts of help and protection. But, when I've talked to Rabbis and others about my belief that prayer doesn't work I've been given a number of answers. "Prayer isn't a cash machine" or the classic "sometimes the answer is No." Another explanation I've been given is "prayer is for you, not for God." This last idea implies that god isn't going to change his plans for us but we benefit personally from the reflection that comes with prayer. While I disagree with this approach it makes more sense to me than the idea that god actually cares. It seems that your statistical chances remain the same regardless of prayer.

Does enforcing separate seating on a bus decrease the chance it will blow up in a suicide attack? Is separate seating just as good as prayer? Does prayer make a difference or are actions, like prayer and separate seating, just for our benefit and not for God?

(Vertigo from U2's How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb)

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Take Me Out to the Ballgame

*Note: half of this post is not about hating on god's chosen people. I saved that for the second half. ;)

I love baseball.

Tonight the Colorado Rockies and the Boston Red Sox will play game one of Major League Baseball's World Series. I am psyched.

What's great about baseball is the strategy. Baseball is a series of one-on-one confrontations, pitcher vs. batter, catcher vs. runner, fielder vs. ball. Each play is different from the next. There are so many decision to make. What should the pitcher throw? What should the batter expect? Do you try to steal? Do you put in a pinch hitter? Every second of it is great. Many people whine about the length of the game. But, lets be honest, there's nothing more anti-climactic than watching a football game end with the quarterback taking a knee four times to run out the clock. I hate basketball games where the last 45 seconds on the play-clock are stretched out to twenty-five minutes in real-time because the players are just fouling each other in the (usually vain) hope that they can combine enough three-pointers on their side with enough missed free throws on the other side. This passiveness just doesn't exist in baseball. In baseball you have to actively end the game. Every World Series has been won by making the final out or by scoring the winning run.

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One of life's great pleasures is having a beer and watching the game. I didn't find this out until well into my college years. My grade and high school Rebbeim used to say (and I'm paraphrasing) "Sports are good. (pause) They give the goyim something to do so they don't kill Jews." This was said without a trace of irony. Vey iz mir. We used to argue that TV should be allowed if you're watching a game. Unlike other programs which had immoral values, we argued, the ballgame was "just sports." Our Rebbe would usually come over the top with "Sports are worse than other TV programs because at every commercial break they show the half-naked cheerleaders!" Combine this anti-sports message with the message that people who go to bars are nothing but lowlifes and it's no surprise it took me a while to combine the two. Watching the game and having a cold one is just so simple, yet so satisfying.

Tonight I'll be kicking back, opening a brew, and enjoying America's past time.

I've Stopped Asking Questions

The Shabbos table just isn't as fun anymore.

The Shabbos table is great because people generally come together and talk. People talk politics, people gossip, and people talk religion. As I have mentioned on this blog, for the past few years my faith in Judaism has declined to the point of nil. But, during that fall I asked a lot of questions. Often, at a Shabbos table.

For the most part the questions focused on halacha and shul policies. "Why do we follow such and such practice?" "Why does the Rabbi at shul enforce such and such minhag?" etc. etc. etc. Some of my questions got proper answers. Others didn't. However, my inqueries that began with "Why" got the most blank stares. People would just blank out for a second as if they were startled by the question. I think the reason for the dumbstruck faces is that there is a lot of focus put on How to practice. Whereas people accept as a given the reason Why we do things. "Why do we do ABC? Because the Torah and our Rebbim tell us to."

I think I asked most of these questions because I was looking for answers. I think I asked some of these questions because sometimes I like to provoke people a discussion. However, once I stopped believing in god I stopped asking all of the borderline kofer questions. If I don't really believe it's not worth upsetting people.

Shabbos just isn't the same.

They Never Beat Rosa Parks

The j-blogs are all a twitter about the Ha'aretz story 5 Haredi men beat woman who refused to move to back of bus. Unfortunately, this type of story isn't new (link). There have also been unsubstantiated stories like this told in the past. The fact that these attacks seem to be recurring is quite disturbing.

I'm interested in the reasons why these stories get so much attention. What do these stories tell us about ultra-Orthodox Jews? What do they tell us about god, or religion? Or do they even tell us anything at all?

At the very least, critics of the haredi (skeptics, former haredi, modern orthodox, etc.) latch on to these stories because they show the ultra-religious in a bad light. But the stories have real interest because religious people think of themselves as better than others. Their arrogance comes from a belief that they are following god's One True Will. A belief each sect separately holds. Chabad thinks they are better than the Satmars. The Misnagdim think they are better than the Chassidim. And all Orthodox think they are better than the Conservative and Reform. This holier-than-thou attitude creates resentment so when the religious are acting like dumb fools others relish in the hypocrisy.

Does this prove that god, Judaism or a particular sect is wrong? No, not really. These incidences only tell us that the community is wrong in believing that "someone Jewish would never act that way." People are people.

Many recommend Orthopraxy because they believe "the foundation of Jewish culture can create a wonderful positive community" but the truth is the same foundation can also create vicious, arrogant monsters.

What Happens When You Assume

Two weeks ago I made a commitment to my wife to try and find a path back to Orthodoxy. I've stepped up my search. I'm reading new things and talking to new people. But, I don't think I'm open to any of the kinds of Othrodoxy I once believed in.

Perhaps there is another Orthodox Jewish philosophy that I a) haven't yet encountered; and b) will find intellectually satisfying. The problem is I already believe that the Orthodox perspective on God and Torah is false. Obviously, this is incompatible with trying to find a reason to believe that they are true. Further, I don't want to claim to be on a search if I have already made up my mind.

I've been trying to figure out what I am open to. I know I am open to changing my mind, provided there is a strong enough reason to do so. For example, when a peer-reviewed study comes out and challenges accepted scientific theory XYZ I am willing to consider changing my beliefs about XYZ. I know, I know, evidence of that kind regarding God and Torah doesn't exist. But, cold hard science isn't the only way to make reasonable judgments about the world around us.

To get through the day I have to make assumptions about the world around me. I don't require scientific proof that my boss isn't an sentient cyborg from the future, I assume - and believe - he's human. (This should be pashut but some of the folks who comment around here argue that if you make one assumption about anything then you can make the assumption that god exists. And if you can assume that god exists then *abra-cadabra* you're a believer again.) I'm OK with making reasonable assumptions. It's the unreasonable assumptions that I have an issue with.

It seems to me assuming god exists is an unreasonable assumption.

It's a Series of Tubes Filled With Heresy

Rabbi Horowitz's latest article Running Out of Time details what he sees as a growing trend: good kids who just don't want to be frum. Here's an excerpt:

I am getting a new wave of parents begging me to speak to their children. The profile is chillingly similar: 13-14 years old boys and girls. High achieving in school. No emotional problems; great, respectful kids from great homes. Well adjusted. They just don’t want to be frum. Period. They are eating on Yom Kippur, not keeping Shabbos, not keeping kosher; et al.

Is this a new phenomenon? Rabbi Horowitz, a professional in the field, seems to think so. So, then what changed?

Earlier this week, I was arguing that the net will make more skeptics out of frummies (Getting Rid of the Bad Internets). I think the biggest change in the education of these kids is that they grew up with access to the internet. AOL 1.0 for Windows was released in 1993. About 13-14 years ago. Sure, there were other kinds of access before 1993 but America Online made the internet mainstream. These kids have had access to the net and all the information is has to offer their entire lives.

There was nothing like going into the AOL room "Jewish Youth Chat" and flirting with teenage Jewish girls without the fear that your Rebbe was going to catch you. Takes me back. [sigh] I can almost hear the 14K dial-up modem now.

Father Knows Best

I had a long discussion about religion with my father tonight.

I didn't tell him what I don't believe in, but I made it clear I have doubts. He's a BT who has seen religion as both a believer and an atheist. I thought his perspective might be enlightening. I asked him about his religious awakening. It was the first time I had ever directly asked him about his faith. We spoke for about two hours.

His story is intriguing. He was raised an atheist and didn't believe in spirituality. Without telling all the details of his story (that's for his theoretical anonymous blog, not mine) in college he had a spiritual experience that made him believe in a higher power. The way he described it it sounded like something out of Navi (Prophets). He then explored different religions but ultimately came back to his native Judaism.

I found his story fascinating, but I didn't find it personally inspiring. Though, he did give me some suggestions about ways to try connecting with god. So that was helpful.

While I'm not convinced by his experience I don't think him a fool for believing. In fact, I think he has the best reason for faith! He actually had a personal religious experience. What better reason could there be for faith?! He felt something at one moment in time. He will always have that memory at times that he has doubt.

While others struggle to find an answer though books and prayer he is sure of what he believes in and struggles to connect with it again.

Getting Rid of the Bad Internets

The charedi are right to fear the net.

Aside from all the porn that will do Permanent Damage To Your Soul the net is a very dangerous place for faith. There is too much heretical information available and no way to control it. (Assuming you want to control it, that is.) Back in the day "The Rabbis" could effectively ban books or put heretics in cherim (ex-communication). Today, we have entire virtual communities of skeptics discussing kefirah (heresy) and providing emotional support for one another. I agree with those who think the information age, made possible by mass publishing and the internet, will create a major crisis within the ultra-orthodox community. I think people losing faith will become a more common occurrence within the charedi velt (ultra-orthodox world). I think our blogs are one expression of that, and we are just the tip of the iceberg. Rabbi Horowitz seems to be one of the few Orthodox Rabbis who are trying to stay ahead of this wave. He recognizes the old approaches are not going to work and is doing what he can to change frummie attitudes.

Ironically, I think this flood of information is also responsible for the chumra-obsessed Orthodox culture we have today. Two hundred years ago the shtetles of eastern Europe didn't have access to the thousands and thousands of Jewish texts we have today. The extremes of the religious practice in any given town were probably constrained by the knowledge of the local Rav. If he didn't know a particular chumra the town didn't practice it. Whereas today, every sect has access to the writings of every other sect. Additionally, many local customs practiced in the old country have been put down on paper. The result is people find all kinds of random minhagim to resurrect and put into modern practice. ("The Rebbe did it, it must be Torah MiSinai!") This creates a situation where people start to question why they are following these ridiculous customs, they start to search for answers, they might go online, and... well, you know the rest.

Live by the sword, die by the sword.

It's All Relative

I'm saddened by a particular rationalization I find recurring on skeptic blogs.

A number of people debating the existence god make the following rationalization:
If god exists then I have purpose in my life. I know where I come from, and I know where I'm going. Morality exists, and there is a greater plan at work. On the other hand, if god doesn't exist I am nothing, I will be nothing, and rules and laws are arbitrary. Life is a meaningless, worthless, existence.

Here is how I see it.

If there is no god then that's just the way things are. It shouldn't stop you from finding meaning in life. If you were able to experience meaning when you believed in god then you have the capacity to experience meaning. Period. You don't change physiologically when you deny or doubt god. You just need to find new paths to create a sense of purpose. Similarly, if god doesn't exist then morality is of a human source. If it had some value until now why should a moral code stop being of value just because you changed your mind? The Magna Carta isn't contingent on your belief. It works despite your opinion.

To some degree Modern Orthodoxy recognizes the relativity of morality. There are certain laws and ideas that have been picked up through the ages that MO recognizes as having value, and that we should keep. On the other hand, MO also thinks there are other laws that perhaps don't apply today and that we should review them. If you accept that Judaism has been reinterpreted by man since the event at Sinai then what difference does it make if we redefine morality today? At the time of revelation killing Amalek was the moral thing to do, but today many say that even if you know that someone is an Amalekite it isn't moral to kill them! If morality is relative within religion who cares if it is relative outside of it?

When you believe you are in service of an all-powerful, almighty being of course you feel important. How can you not? But if you think about it, the service we do for god isn't something he needs. It's like being the guy who fetches god's morning paper. Sure, you work for an important boss, but he doesn't really need you.

I find that building a sense of purpose and discovering what values I believe in is more meaningful to me than simply adopting an ancient list of changed laws.

Coming Out to My Wife: One Week Later

It's been a week since I let my wife know I don't believe in God or Torah from Sinai. I think the worst is behind us.

My non-believing comes up about once a day. Not in a malicious way, but either she'll make a joke about it or ask if I've called any Rabbis to talk about my thoughts. It's good she's talking about it because it means she's thinking about it and not ignoring the situation.

As a result of my revelation I think I've also been a better husband this past week. Not that I've done anything extraordinary. But, I've been better about doing my share of the chores, being a little more aware of clutter around the house, and being a little more helpful. I know I'm feeling a little more motivated because she's stressed about my non-believing. Doing the little stuff can really help take the edge off the stress in the relationship. Like many guys, if left to my own devices, the floor of my living room quickly becomes littered with dirty clothing, pizza boxes and beer bottles. So ladies, while doing the dishes and taking out the garbage may not sound like a big deal I just want to be clear that it goes against my nature and EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN.

Today, I called one of the Rabbis I told her I would speak with. I'll call him Rabbi Z. We spoke for about an hour. It was a good discussion. It was the first time we had spoken at length and he let me do most of the talking. He broke down my situation into two larger issues. 1) My personal spiritual journey and 2) my relationship with my wife and baby. He said that my personal journey would take some time, whereas I need to address my family situation ASAP to make sure I am in a place where I am not damaging my situation at home. I agree on both accounts. I have already given my wife the impression that I will continue to be orthoprax so, as far as she is concerned, nothing but my mindset has changed. (Truth be told, I really am orthoprax with the occasional exception of breaking Shabbos here and there.) I will keep in touch with Rabbi Z.

The real benefit of the call with Rabbi Z. came after I got off the phone. My wife was curious about how the call went. I saw her interest as an opportunity to talk about our situation while still keeping the issue at arms length. Personally, I like to deal with problems head-on. I'm definitely of the "rip the band-aid off in one painful stroke" mentality. My wife is the opposite. Where I like to just dive in and tackle an issue she would rather slowly acclimate to the water. So, I told her about the two issue analysis I mentioned above. It seemed like a good way to communicate to her that I'm not going to change my mind anytime soon (if at all).

I then told her a anecdote Rabbi Z. shared with me about a couple in a similar situation. In the (true) story the husband was also becoming less orthodox. But, his wife looked down on him because of the practices he was no longer following. The two couldn't come to a compromise or respect one another. In the end they got divorced. I shared the story with her because I want her to know that she has a role in this too. I want her to respect and love me despite what I believe. (And I think she does.)

I also mentioned that R' Z. reminded me that once you have a kid you are forever connected to the other parent, even if you divorce. That brought the D-word into our discussion. She gets quiet and teary-eyed whenever we talk about my non-believing for more than five minutes. :( Today she said the reason she gets so upset is because she is worried about our possible divorce. I told her I have no interest in divorce and that for me it is not an acceptable resolution to this situation. I think saying divorce is not an option did a lot to calm her fears. After I put that out there we were able to talk about this issue for a little while. Our conversations on this subject are slowly improving.

So far, so good.

Messed Around With Gender Roles

Over Shabbos I was talking with someone about how the Yeshiva University student newspapers get more attention from the Jewish blogs than one would expect for any typical college paper. Obviously there are a lot of YU students and grads posting and reading in the Jewish blogosphere.

As we were talking it occurred to me for the first time that the titles of the two YU papers (the YU Commentator for the mens Yeshiva College and the YU Observer for Stern College for Women) corroborate with the gender roles orthodox Jewish culture places on its men and women. Commenting has an active connotation where as observing is passive. In particular it made me think of the roles at shul. A man leads the prayers aloud, a man reads the Torah and the Rabbi (always a man) comments on the parsha (Torah reading). Meanwhile, behind the mechitzah you have the women observing the proceedings with no active role to fulfill. There is no way I am the first to think of this but the guy I was talking to never heard of it before.

I wonder if there are other subliminal culture cues YU transmits to its student body.

Why I Believed In God

I think the only reason I ever believed in God was because my parents told me he exists.

I think society may have helped reinforce the idea but the belief comes from my parents. To give another example my parents taught me that college is important and that I should get a degree. The Lubavitch society I grew up in told me that college is unimportant and that I shouldn't go. I always sided with my folks on the issue. In the end I went to college.

Most people follow the religion of their parents [citation needed]. Of course, most parents try to live in a society that matches their beliefs so it's hard to separate one from the other.

Do your religious beliefs match those of your parents?

Where Did the Idea of God Come From?

Yesterday Baal Habos posted the following comment on my blog:

I think the natural position or default position to take, is that there is a God. If not, then explain why most societies developed that way. Whether polytheism or Monotheism, people by default seem to believe or need that there is a God.

Here's the way I see it.

People have a natural desire to understand the world around them. Kids are constantly asking "Why?" We want to understand why things happen and how the universe works. The thing is we don't require a fool-proof answer. If an explanation seems to fit, and we are open to the idea, we have the capacity to believe it. Magic shows are fun because we are able to believe what we see even if it doesn't fit with our understanding of the universe.
We also have a habit of anthropomorphizing everything. For example: :)

Perhaps early man was trying to understand the weather, attributed a personality to it, and the idea of god grew from there.

I think people look for cause and effect by default, but that doesn't make their conclusions correct.

Why I Don't Believe in God

In my post I'm Finding New Perspectives I explained that I identify three major beliefs that I think I would require in order to remain a fully practicing and believing Orthodox Jew. They are: 1) belief in God; 2) belief in Torah from Sinai; and 3) belief in the faithful preservation of the commandments from Moshe at Sinai.

In the discussion that followed both Shai and Rabban Gamliel challenged me to prove there is no God. Of course, you can’t prove a negative but I see no harm in sinking my teeth into the issue. Here is the response I posted to Rabban Gamliel's challenge "OK Lubab No More Prove to me there's no G-d.":

RG, I'll take your question one step further. Why would I think there is a god to question in the first place?

The only reason I ever believed in God was because my parents told me he exists. In all seriousness they also told me that the tooth fairy left cash for me under my pillow in exchange for my tooth. Why should I keep one belief but reject the other?

Why do we start from the premise that there is a God? I think this is an important point that is often over looked. I think that when you are trying to get to the truth of an issue you need to first identify what it is you know and then work your way up from the facts you can confirm. Otherwise, you risk building your case on a faulty foundation. That said the Big Bang/First Cause is the only thing I have ever seen that maybe, implies, the existence of at least one supernatural creator/s. But that is far from proof.

Why don't we give the tooth fairy the same pass we give God? I'll put a quarter under the pillow of anyone who can prove to me there's no tooth fairy.

Columbus Day: Celebrating Already Discovered Territory

Today was great.

I was off for Columbus Day, the kid was being watched by someone else, and my wife and I got to spend some quality time together. After the past few days (here and here) it was a much needed break. Last night we had a really good discussion. Maybe discussion is too casual a word. We had an all out heart-to-heart. It was cathartic. We both got a lot off our chests and I basically committed to orthopraxy by saying I'll keep looking for God/Judaism. Whatever the case, she was feeling much better after our discussion. I'm not thrilled about continuing to go through the motions but it beats the hell out'a talking about ending our marriage. I recognize that this may not be a permanent solution but I'm not working on solutions at the moment. I want her to see my point of view and love me anyway. If that'll take time, then I'll give it time. At one point today she kind of joked about how I don't believe. Maybe she is accepting the situation a little? Who knows. It felt good though. Nice change of pace.

We made something of a date out of the day. We went to see The Kingdom. The movie is centered around a terrorist attack on Americans in Saudi Arabia. Not a perfect movie but I found it interesting. It offers some intense action set-pieces and throws in a little something to think about. We were talking about the movie afterward. My mind made a direct connection between the terrorists actions and religion. Because of our intense discussions about religion lately I chose my words carefully. I stuck to catch phrases like "fundamentalist Islam" and all that crap. One of the things I didn't say is that I believe that if the Torah had been interpreted a little differently some Jews might have been just as militant as some Muslims are. The bit about Amalek could easily have been interpreted into some sort of Jewish equivalent to jihad.

Speaking of my theories, in general I want to keep blogging on my issues with Judaism but I feel like riling against religion is at odds with my commitment (to my wife) to rediscover it. I honestly wonder how this will play out...

Final note, I'm kind of surprised by the fact that only one believer has emailed me in response to yesterday's post. Are all the readers of my blog fellow skeptics? C'mon (frum) people! Give me a reason to return to the fold. ("To make your wife happy" is only a reason to be orthoprax and probably not sustainable.) I'm all ears.

More Discussion With My Wife

Today my wife was still pretty upset about my revelation. She still thinks there is hope. I haven't felt the need to tell her that there is probably isn't.

We talked again today and covered a lot of ground. She made it clear she is not OK with "being married to someone who isn't frum." That really bothers me. I told her I thought our relationship and everything we've built together should be more important than the fact we don't believe the same thing. She feels not believing the basics of Judaism was too big a hurdle to jump. I'm not going to push this issue for a while. Maybe she'll get used to the idea.

One of the issues I brought up was the fact that I haven't found any reason to believe in God or Torah from Sinai. She told me that if I want proof I'm not going to find any. I think she's right. I told her that it's important to me that the religion (God and all of it) make logical sense. She said that you can't think about it logically. She explained that she starts with her positive feelings about Judaism and then uses religious inspiration to bolster her feelings. She said she has to believe in something, and to think that everything is random would seem meaningless to her. I hear her even if I disagree. I get that it works for her, but it just doesn't work for me. Or it hasn't worked for me I should say. I promised her that I am not at the end of my search, which is true since I'm always open to new evidence/information. I want our relationship to work. If I have to give religion another try then that's what I'll do. I'm committed to logic, and I don't see how I could be persuaded that God exists, or that the Torah was written by God (if he exists), but I'm going to keep an open mind. Our relationship is too important for me not to. All you frummies out there should take this as an invitation to email me. :) (lubabnomore@gmail.com) Thanks to those of you who already have. I'm not willing to compromise on what I believe (logic, reason) but perhaps there is an approach I have not yet heard. Please, LMK.

I Talked With My Wife

Over Shabbos I told my wife that I don't believe in Judaism

Shabbos morning my wife mentioned that I don't seem to care about davening. Since she brought it up I answered semi-honestly ("I don't get anything out of it and I don't think it works".) That little discussion grew as we got into Shabbos lunch. As we were talking she said something that made it clear she was under the impression I "just don't care" about being Jewish and that she thinks I need to get "inspired". I told her its not a matter of not caring, I don't believe. I left it at that and didn't get into specifics. She understood what I was saying and then things got quiet for a while. Lots of tears (hers) and many hours later when we were talking about it again she said "this isn't going to work if you're not frum". Even later she said that she isn't ready to talk about this seriously right now. I said we'll regroup in a few weeks. Her comment that "this isn't going to work if you're not frum" worries me, alot.

I feel kinda like crap. This ain't the fun and games it is on the blogs.

A New Kind of Transgression

Another three day Yom Tov has come and gone so it can only mean it's time for another narcissistic confessional post about how I'm breaking Shabbos and shunning religion. Lets get started!

When I was interviewing for my first post-college job I asked friends to tell me what kind of questions I should expect. One of the questions I found intriguing was: "Is it ever OK to break the rules?" I like this question because you can apply it to your everyday life. While I was never asked this question in an interview I did formulate an answer: "It may be OK to break the rules when the letter of the rule conflicts with the spirit of the rule, and even then you should avoid breaking it if possible."

With regard to keeping Shabbos and Yom Tov I have lived by my answer until this past week. I have avoided breaking Shabbos except for situations where I felt allowing the status quo to persist would destroy the peace of the day. (See: End of Judgement Days for one example from my life). But last Thursday night (second night of Yom Tov) I crossed the line because of my wants, and not to maintain "the spirit of the law."

Quite simply, what is came down to was I wanted to check my email. I don't believe in god so I felt kind of silly not checking my mail on my phone (which I could do without anyone catching me). Interestingly, it took me about a half hour to finally pick the thing up and start pushing buttons. For the half hour I was partly debating reasons for why breaking halacha was a bad idea (Orthopraxy may have merit, once I start I won't ever stop, what if I get caught, etc. etc. etc.). But partly, I was hesitating because I had never done anything like it before. There was a definite mental hurdle to jump. You can imagine my frustration when I pushed the power button on the phone and found that its battery had drained over the first day of Yom Tov. Luckily, my laptop was in the next room.

As soon as I opened up my laptop I totally forgot about all the mental anguish I had about violating halacha. It just didn't matter. My nonchalance about using the computer makes me think my hesitation before picking up my phone stemmed from changing my behavior and not from any sort of guilt. In any event being on the computer was great. I checked my mail (no messages), and got caught up on the blogs. Pretty standard computer session. No big deal. What was a big deal however, was getting to follow Major League Baseball on Yom Tov. All my life Tishrei and the baseball pennant race/baseball playoffs have coincided. For the first time in my life I was actually able to watch the games I wanted to see when they were on. (It also helped to have a MLB.tv account). Baseball was amazing/heartbreaking last week and I actually got to enjoy it. I don't see how I could ever go back. This Yom Tov I'll be in the basement watching the Division Series.

I might actually dance this Simchas Torah!

Koheles, This Buds For You.

This past Shabbos we read Koheles (Ecclesiastes). In theory the reading is supposed to be a sobering experience in the middle of the festive holiday Sukkos. I, however, found it somewhat refreshing.

According to Jewish commentators the book Koheles was allegedly written by Shlomo (King Solomon). While the actually authorship is in question what is clear is that the piece is an attempt by the author to pass along the results of a personal journey to find the meaning of life. I don't see this megillah as a sacred text, but I do see it as one man's honest, personal, essay (blog entry perhaps?) on the human condition.

The work may seem morbid at first glance, Koheles can't stop talking about dying, but I think he actually has a positive message about how to live your life. Koheles has great difficulty with the injustice that everyone dies regardless of their status (rich, poor, wise, foolish). He never really gets over the idea that we all die regardless of what we obtain or how we conduct ourselves. However, while I don't share his obsession with death I do love his conclusion.

The narrator concludes the work with the line "The end of the matter, everything having been heard, fear God and keep His commandments for this is the entire man." (12:13) but this is clearly not Koheles' point. In my opinion, Koheles' actual conclusion is "Is it not good for a man that he eat and drink and show enjoyment in his work?" (2:24) Koheles basically says "Life is short. God's gift to you is to eat, drink and take satisfaction in a job well done." He makes this point over and over throughout his essay. I've cited eight more examples here:

3:12 I knew that there is nothing better for them but to rejoice and to do good during his lifetime.

3:13 And also, every man who eats and drinks and enjoys what is good in all his toil, it is a gift from God.

3:22 I saw that there is nothing better than that man rejoice in his deeds...

5:17 Behold what I saw is good, it is beautiful to eat drink and to experience goodness with all his work that he does under the sun, the days of his life which God gave to him, that is his portion.

5:18 And every man who God has given riches and property and has given him the ability to eat thereof and to take his portion and to rejoice with his work, that is the gift of God.

6:2 A man whom God gives riches and property and honor, and his soul lacks nothing of all he desires, and God gives him no power to eat it [ability to enjoy it] but another man eats it; this is vanity and a grievous sickness. (Even Rashi accepts the literal translation here!)

6:6 And if he had lived a 1000 years twice and experienced no pleasure, do not all go to one place?

9:7 Go, eat your bread joyfully and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already accepted your deeds.

Dispite Koheles' actual words all the commentaries I read supported the narrator's interpretation.

Interestingly, Koheles doesn't seem to believe in the afterlife. As far as I can tell he makes no mention of it. If he did believe in the afterlife it would have been discussed as it ties in directly with all this talk of death. It also would have helped him with the injustice he sees inherent in life on Earth. Personally, I don't believe he was familiar with the concept. Perhaps the idea of life-after-death entered Judaism after Koheles composed his piece.

In any event, Koheles is right. Life is short (5:19). So with that in mind, I raise my beer and drink to you Koheles. We'll all be joining you before long. So it goes. L'Chaim!

(In the spirit of Koheles' narrator here is another famous reinterpretation of his work. Enjoy!)

Poll: What is the biggest proof against Orthodox Judaism?

Littlefoxling put the following poll together. In an effort to increase the number of responses the poll is also posted at the blogs of littlefoxling and GoingGoingGone. Please vote!