First of all, thanks to everyone who has posted comments on the blog. The response has been great. I truly enjoy the dialogue with those who seriously want to hash out the issues. I believe the only way to really understand the TRUTH about something is to break it down and honestly examine it. Heated, CONSTRUCTIVE debate is welcome!
Second, some have gotten the impression that my atheism is a direct* response to my falling out with Lubavitch. It is not. I was Lubavitch until a few years after high school. I have been orthodox for the 10+ years since I graduated. I have become a skeptic only in the past 12 months and honest with myself that I am really an atheist in the past few weeks.
Third, just for the record I want to throw out my feelings about Chabad. I don't have an agenda against Lubavitch. I probably do harbor some resentment about the impact it has had on my life and family but I'm not out to bring Chabad down. I have many fond memories of my time in Lubavitch. For example: yelling at the top of my lungs "[I] want Moshiach now!" to get a can of soda. (Gan Izzy Rules!) But I also have memories of being taught things that in hindsight are clearly racist, vulgar, or just simply wrong. My relationship is very love/hate. Parts were awesome, other parts sucked.
I know religion works for many and I don't believe in imposing my beliefs on other people. I'm all about discussing my beliefs in an appropriate forum (blogs, comment boards, some Shabbos tables) but my days of asking strangers on the street to follow my beliefs and practices are over. I'm content to let the FACTS stand for themselves.
I hope this clears some things up.
LNM
--------
* 9/2/07 I added the word direct in an effort to be more accurate.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Baruch learnt his Brachos
I am pretty aware of the mitzvos (commandments) I don't do (daven, tephillin, etc.). Not davening doesn't take effort. I just don't do it. On the other hand I find that brachos (blessings) over food is something that I do unconsciously. Despite my heretical mindset, without thinking I pause before putting food in my mouth, say the appropriate bracha, then I eat. When I notice I'm doing it I'll usually stop reciting the blessing. Clearly, I haven't been saying these brachas with any serious kavanah (intention) in years. (Who does?) But its got me thinking about why am I still doing this mitzvah. I think it's so automatic because its been programmed in. Ah, you ask: What makes this mitzvah different from all other mitzvahs? The Pay Off! You get rewarded every time you make a bracha. Think Pavlov's dog, but replace the bell with a "borei pri haeitz". People complain about birchat hamazon (the blessing after the meal) but I don't know anyone who's complained about having to make a sahakol before eating. There's no pay off for birchat hamazon. The shows over.
The most surprising thing about this is I feel like I like the ritual. I enjoy this little process before eating. Maybe deferring the pleasure for a moment heightens the experience once you finally take that bite. A family member told me that after she quit smoking she missed the cigarettes, but she also missed the process! She liked the feel of the pack, tearing off the wrapping, tapping the cigarettes, pulling one out, putting it in her mouth, flicking the lighter and finally getting that first drag. She even pantomimed the whole thing out as she told it to me.
Has anyone else had a similar experience with this or another mitzvah?
LNM
The most surprising thing about this is I feel like I like the ritual. I enjoy this little process before eating. Maybe deferring the pleasure for a moment heightens the experience once you finally take that bite. A family member told me that after she quit smoking she missed the cigarettes, but she also missed the process! She liked the feel of the pack, tearing off the wrapping, tapping the cigarettes, pulling one out, putting it in her mouth, flicking the lighter and finally getting that first drag. She even pantomimed the whole thing out as she told it to me.
Has anyone else had a similar experience with this or another mitzvah?
LNM
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Why I'm no more a Lubab
I want to give thanks to FailedMessiah for featuring my blog today!
I grew up in Chabad. I really gave it my all. I was not a "bad kid" or an "at risk youth" nor did I fit any other category worthy of a catchphrase. In fact, as a klaineh boucher (little student) I was a very well behaved kid. I believed it was all TRUE and that if any human being was honest with themselves and learnt Toyrah they too would see its perfection and convert. Of course this was the line fed me by my Rebbes (teachers, not to be confused with THE Rebbeh). As a kid I didn't really ask too many "But why?" questions. I was willing to swallow it whole.
At the same time my parents believed in going to college - gasp - and believed it necessary that I receive a secular education. My cheder (school) only gave us an hour of secular studies a day which my parents amply supplemented with books and educational television (3-2-1 Contact!). I consistently scored high on science tests. I loved the idea that everything has a reason and purpose - just like I learnt in cheder! I remember that at this age I reasoned "either I will be Jewish or an atheist, because either Toyrah is true or, everyone has got it wrong".
I went to a high school in the U.S. (I'm American but when talking Lubavitch you need to think globally) which had a pretty good english (secular studies) program. I saw some friends drift off the derech but, being the good boy I always was, I never seriously questioned god. I did ignore most hallacha about interacting with girls though. It just didn't make any sense to me to fight wanting to find, hang out with, and date the maydellach (girls). Later, I would daven (pray) for forgiveness but, to use the classic baseball analogy, religious restrictions kept me stranded around 2nd base.
Fast forward to post high school. Many religious Jews in America go to Israel for a year of studies following high school. I choose a Lubavitch yeshiva abroad, not in Israel. In high school I hadn't been questioning god that much but I had stopped following a lot of the Chabad customs I had been brought up with. This wasn't a reaction to the death of the Rebbeh or a rebellion per se it just wasn't a priority. So, I saw my year abroad as a chance to get back on the bandwagon.
At Yeshiva there was a lot of talk about The Rebbeh and his death/aliveness. My high school was pretty mainstream and my BT parents didn't get caught up in the "Moshiach is coming! Break out the yellow flags!" hysteria so this was the first time I was seeing Mishachists (Messanists) up close. I try to be as intellectually honest as I can so I gave my fellow students and mentors an honest opportunity to convince me that The (dead) Rebbeh was in fact the long awaited messiah. I had been to The Rebbeh's funeral. I had seen the casket. I've always thought myself a rational man and as far as I could tell he wasn't coming back, but I was committed to TRUTH enough to keep an open mind. I sat with these guys and they showed me source after source that the messiah would come from the grave. I kept asking questions like "But when he was alive we Lubavitchers argued the opposite!" That was then, they countered. Many argued "The Rebbeh is HERE spiritually, just not physically". Uh-huh. I came to find that at the end of any of these sessions the bottom line of their argument was "I just have emunah (faith) that The Rebbeh is Moshiach. You just have to have faith". That was enough for me. I was OUT of that camp. But not yet out of Lubavitch. I thought maybe these guys are just the minority. These are just the fools.
The next Tishreh (first month of the Jewish year) I went to Crown Heights, HQ for Lubavitch Int'l, for the high holidays. I was still Mr. Black-Hat-White-Shirt-and-Beard at this point. I was having a great time until Simchas Toyrah (celebration of the Torah/Bible). I went to 770 (Chabad HQ and shul of The Rebbeh) for services. As you may know, during Simchas Toyrah men are called up to carry the Torah scroll around the bimah (podium in the center of the synagogue). Everything was going just fine until they gave The Rebbeh one of these honers. That just didn't work for me at all. I turned to my Lubavitch mentor who was with me there and asked "Let's say I give you 'The Rebbeh is HERE spiritually, just not physically' He still can't physically hold a physical Sayfer Toyrah!" His reply was that "They put it on his shtender (personal podium)." That was the turning point. Until then I was dan l'kaf zechus (giving the benefit of the doubt) that these folks might have a source for their action. For that point on I stopped giving that benefit. It wasn't a violent paradigm shift but the rest of the night I just remember looking at Chabad differently. Instead of seeing a) Chasidim rejoicing in the revelation of the Torah from Sinai to the point of incapacitation I was seeing b) people running in violent circles with the scrolls, and people passed out in their own vomit from too much booze. I honestly had previously interpreted the exact same scene, b), as the wonderful experience described in a).
My change wasn't instant. But it was just a matter of time until I had left the sect entirely.
LNM
I grew up in Chabad. I really gave it my all. I was not a "bad kid" or an "at risk youth" nor did I fit any other category worthy of a catchphrase. In fact, as a klaineh boucher (little student) I was a very well behaved kid. I believed it was all TRUE and that if any human being was honest with themselves and learnt Toyrah they too would see its perfection and convert. Of course this was the line fed me by my Rebbes (teachers, not to be confused with THE Rebbeh). As a kid I didn't really ask too many "But why?" questions. I was willing to swallow it whole.
At the same time my parents believed in going to college - gasp - and believed it necessary that I receive a secular education. My cheder (school) only gave us an hour of secular studies a day which my parents amply supplemented with books and educational television (3-2-1 Contact!). I consistently scored high on science tests. I loved the idea that everything has a reason and purpose - just like I learnt in cheder! I remember that at this age I reasoned "either I will be Jewish or an atheist, because either Toyrah is true or, everyone has got it wrong".
I went to a high school in the U.S. (I'm American but when talking Lubavitch you need to think globally) which had a pretty good english (secular studies) program. I saw some friends drift off the derech but, being the good boy I always was, I never seriously questioned god. I did ignore most hallacha about interacting with girls though. It just didn't make any sense to me to fight wanting to find, hang out with, and date the maydellach (girls). Later, I would daven (pray) for forgiveness but, to use the classic baseball analogy, religious restrictions kept me stranded around 2nd base.
Fast forward to post high school. Many religious Jews in America go to Israel for a year of studies following high school. I choose a Lubavitch yeshiva abroad, not in Israel. In high school I hadn't been questioning god that much but I had stopped following a lot of the Chabad customs I had been brought up with. This wasn't a reaction to the death of the Rebbeh or a rebellion per se it just wasn't a priority. So, I saw my year abroad as a chance to get back on the bandwagon.
At Yeshiva there was a lot of talk about The Rebbeh and his death/aliveness. My high school was pretty mainstream and my BT parents didn't get caught up in the "Moshiach is coming! Break out the yellow flags!" hysteria so this was the first time I was seeing Mishachists (Messanists) up close. I try to be as intellectually honest as I can so I gave my fellow students and mentors an honest opportunity to convince me that The (dead) Rebbeh was in fact the long awaited messiah. I had been to The Rebbeh's funeral. I had seen the casket. I've always thought myself a rational man and as far as I could tell he wasn't coming back, but I was committed to TRUTH enough to keep an open mind. I sat with these guys and they showed me source after source that the messiah would come from the grave. I kept asking questions like "But when he was alive we Lubavitchers argued the opposite!" That was then, they countered. Many argued "The Rebbeh is HERE spiritually, just not physically". Uh-huh. I came to find that at the end of any of these sessions the bottom line of their argument was "I just have emunah (faith) that The Rebbeh is Moshiach. You just have to have faith". That was enough for me. I was OUT of that camp. But not yet out of Lubavitch. I thought maybe these guys are just the minority. These are just the fools.
The next Tishreh (first month of the Jewish year) I went to Crown Heights, HQ for Lubavitch Int'l, for the high holidays. I was still Mr. Black-Hat-White-Shirt-and-Beard at this point. I was having a great time until Simchas Toyrah (celebration of the Torah/Bible). I went to 770 (Chabad HQ and shul of The Rebbeh) for services. As you may know, during Simchas Toyrah men are called up to carry the Torah scroll around the bimah (podium in the center of the synagogue). Everything was going just fine until they gave The Rebbeh one of these honers. That just didn't work for me at all. I turned to my Lubavitch mentor who was with me there and asked "Let's say I give you 'The Rebbeh is HERE spiritually, just not physically' He still can't physically hold a physical Sayfer Toyrah!" His reply was that "They put it on his shtender (personal podium)." That was the turning point. Until then I was dan l'kaf zechus (giving the benefit of the doubt) that these folks might have a source for their action. For that point on I stopped giving that benefit. It wasn't a violent paradigm shift but the rest of the night I just remember looking at Chabad differently. Instead of seeing a) Chasidim rejoicing in the revelation of the Torah from Sinai to the point of incapacitation I was seeing b) people running in violent circles with the scrolls, and people passed out in their own vomit from too much booze. I honestly had previously interpreted the exact same scene, b), as the wonderful experience described in a).
My change wasn't instant. But it was just a matter of time until I had left the sect entirely.
LNM
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Kosher in the workplace
My office is amazing when it comes to being understanding about religious practices. They have been more than accommodating with kosher in particular. It doesn't hurt that a whole bunch of the staff are Jewish (including the head of the group) but as we all know, that can be good or bad with regard to religion. Today, for fun, pizza was ordered for the whole office for lunch. I am still frum in practice (except for the whole davening thing) so I ate my already packed kosher lunch in my office. No biggie. The thing is afterward the no.2 guy in the company, who decided to make today pizza day, came over and apologized for not thinking to order kosher pizza for me. (I want to take this moment to acknowledge that I work for some of the greatest people in the world. My colleagues are kind, hard-working and thoughtful.) As usually I felt bad that he felt bad about the whole kosher thing but now it has an added dimension. Until now I just felt bad about making a big deal about the kosher thing. My attitude is "if it can be worked out easily, great. If not, forget it. I'm not going to starve and I don't want to make a big deal out of my religious practice". But now its worse. I've never eaten treif (non-kosher) in my life but now that I don't believe in the whole Kosher thing I REALLY feel bad putting people out as they cater (heh) to my needs.
Oy Gevalt.
Oy Gevalt.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Davening is getting on my nerves
Shabbos sucked.
Davening this week was really a pain. Probably because I was with family. You have to sit with them in shul and they know when you got up in the morning. Usually I go to shul late, pretend I was there all along and just daven Musaf or something. With family it's not that they are watching me per se they are just a little more aware of me than the random shul goers are.
As far as davening it just seems like such a waste of 2 and a 1/2 hrs. Reading words that I hardly understand and don't agree with. I hate the pretending. Up until now I've taken a "roll with the punches" attitude. But as I get more honest with myself with my atheism I feel more strongly about not saying things I don't believe. Until now I didn't feel anything when I said the words so who cares what they mean. This Shabbos I just felt differently. I definitely hate Aleniu. I haven't been saying that one for a while. To quote the Almighty Wikipedia translation "God did not place us in the same situations as others, and our destiny is not the same as anyone else's. For they bow to vanity and emptiness and pray to a god which helps not." HA!
ALL bow to vanity and emptiness and pray to a god which helps not.
LNM
Davening this week was really a pain. Probably because I was with family. You have to sit with them in shul and they know when you got up in the morning. Usually I go to shul late, pretend I was there all along and just daven Musaf or something. With family it's not that they are watching me per se they are just a little more aware of me than the random shul goers are.
As far as davening it just seems like such a waste of 2 and a 1/2 hrs. Reading words that I hardly understand and don't agree with. I hate the pretending. Up until now I've taken a "roll with the punches" attitude. But as I get more honest with myself with my atheism I feel more strongly about not saying things I don't believe. Until now I didn't feel anything when I said the words so who cares what they mean. This Shabbos I just felt differently. I definitely hate Aleniu. I haven't been saying that one for a while. To quote the Almighty Wikipedia translation "God did not place us in the same situations as others, and our destiny is not the same as anyone else's. For they bow to vanity and emptiness and pray to a god which helps not." HA!
ALL bow to vanity and emptiness and pray to a god which helps not.
LNM
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Oy...
Hi! Thanks for stopping by.
I'm going to use this blog as an outlet for my nonbeliving heretical thoughts. I grew up Lubavitch and now live what my parents consider a "modern orthodox" life (simply orthodox might be a better description). However, on the inside I don't believe in God or religion.
I think my username "LubabNoMore" comes off a little harsh. But, I'm not bitter(... anymore). Also, "LubabNoMore" has a catchy feel to it so it'll stay for now.
Because I am married and my wife doesn't share my point of view, my life is complicated. If I didn't love her my life would be a little more simple. I hope I can sort some things out here.
LNM
I'm going to use this blog as an outlet for my nonbeliving heretical thoughts. I grew up Lubavitch and now live what my parents consider a "modern orthodox" life (simply orthodox might be a better description). However, on the inside I don't believe in God or religion.
I think my username "LubabNoMore" comes off a little harsh. But, I'm not bitter(... anymore). Also, "LubabNoMore" has a catchy feel to it so it'll stay for now.
Because I am married and my wife doesn't share my point of view, my life is complicated. If I didn't love her my life would be a little more simple. I hope I can sort some things out here.
LNM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)